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It’s Okay Because I Refuse
23 DecInside the Heart and Mind of a Man Part 3
20 AugRelationships and the Plus Size Woman
Inside the Mind and Heart of a Man (Part 3):
Men are Providers
We continue to learn from author Shuanti Feldham, the importance of seven revelations involving the mindset of men. The first revelation was that men need to be respected more than they need to be loved. The second revelation was that men are insecure. Despite a man’s “in-control” exterior, men often feel like impostors. These feelings of insecurity and the belief that their inadequacies will be discovered often leave them discredited and vulnerable to the world.
Revelation 3 “Men are Providers”
“Even if we as women make enough income to support
our family’s lifestyle, it would make no difference to the mental
burden our husband or man feels to provide for those he loves.”
One of the greatest mental burdens that men face is the internal need to provide for their family. What we as women need to understand is that our ability to contribute to the financial needs of the household is not the issue. Most men, when surveyed, appreciated the fact that their wives contribute financially, but state it is not relevant to their need to be a provider. For most men, the drive to provide is so deeply rooted almost nothing can relieve their feeling of duty. It is an obsession much like a women’s obsession about body insecurity (“I wish I was thinner!”)
Providing is at the core of a man’s identity
1. A man feels this driving need all the time – The need to provide, for most men, is constant and never goes away. When surveyed, 71% of men said the need to provide is always or often on their minds.
2. Being a provider is at the core of a man’s identity – Men have an instinctive nature to provide, feel powerful when they are providing, and desire deeply to feel depended on by the recipients of what they provide.
3. Providing is a primary way to say “I love you.” – For a man, bringing home a paycheck is pure love talk. This act reinforces his need to prove that he can take care of you, and allows him to show he is worthy of his woman. In his mind it is the central way he expresses his love. Men worry about providing so that the woman does not have this concern.
This is why men work such long hours. In a man’s mind, working long hours equates to saying I love you. When we as woman complain, men find this confusing and distressing. Why, because most men work as much as they do because it is their way of sacrificing for their wives and family out of love.
Most men combine the desire to provide with a strong internal desire to succeed in the workplace. However, where men can come up short is failing to provide a balance between work and maintaining a strong home relationship.
4. Providing carries an ongoing risk of failure – The area of providing is where most men experience the ongoing risk of failure. The Apostle Paul wrote that a man who doesn’t provide for his family is worse than an infidel. This statement is believed by many men as an accurate internal reflection of the angst a man feels when he is unable to provide for those he loves.
Among the men surveyed, 61% felt unappreciated at work, constantly worried about being laid off, business declines, and failing at work, which would inhibit their ability to provide. They equated this failure to the pain of skin being flayed off their bodies. We as women need to be sensitive to the fact that any time a man’s family has to adjust their lifestyle to the point where the needs of the family suffers, then a man suffers emotional torture inside.
5. Providers can feel trapped – Men constantly war with the internal need to provide, be depended on, and the feelings of being trapped by that responsibility. What frustrates men is when we as women don’t understand that they believe working long hours is their only option for getting ahead. This is especially true when men feel we place them under pressure to provide for us materially, and when we complain. When surveyed, 82% of men admitted that if they did not work hard they would be letting their families and organizations down, and also added they hated being away from their families as much but felt they had no other option.
6. Providing means earning enough for both present and future – Men focus on providing not only for the present but also for the future. So men stress about not only being able to pay for college for the kids, but also for retirement. When many men reach the age of retirement, they feel emotionally inadequate once the career part of their life disappears because a large part of their identity is wrapped up in their ability to provide and their careers. Therefore, in retirement years many men struggle with receiving pensions and retirement without going to work, and will find themselves struggling with depression in their golden years. Older women take special note to that information.
So How Do We as Women Need to Respond
We as women must face the fact that our mates feel caught, with few options, feeling “he has to be the provider”. When we understand this issue, we must strive to no longer view many of our husband’s decisions concerning his job and career as weak or non-productive, but recognize he is doing what is necessary to meet the financial needs of his family.
We as women should understand this even though we may not always agree. As partners, we should be willing to help relieve the pressure by not complaining, make financial adjustments in our own spending habits, believe in our man, and offer to work with him to address the financial issues in the home. Women need to realize the seriousness of the financial situation and be willing to adjust spending accordingly.
Remember women, a man will internalize your disappointment as his personal failure to provide. Encourage and appreciate him regularly for providing, and offer to help relieve the pressure they feel instead of adding to the matter. In doing so, our men will feel a sense of self worth and work hard to provide the best life possible for his family.
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Voluptuous Diva Diaries is a newsletter sponsored by Voluptuous Diva, Inc.
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Voluptuous Diva, Inc. was created so that my fellow Divas can
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Joan White is the founder of Voluptuous Diva, Inc. and resides in Winston-Salem, NC
Power of Positive Confession
5 MarPositive Confession!
One of the most powerful tools utilized in my life is also one that posses the greatest challenge to execute and that is the power of positive confession. As a Christian I have been taught throughout my walk with the Lord Jesus Christ that I AM WHAT GOD SAYS I AM. In the world system, I AM WHAT I SAY I AM. Both have validity and require action on the part of the confessor.
Even now as much as I have accomplished and through all that I have gained I still struggle with this in some parts of my life. I find myself in a constant mind battle to stay victorious in knowing that I am a powerful woman destined for greatness.
The word Power means a strength or force capable of being exerted. Confession means to disclose or acknowledge faith in something.
Translation-In us lies a strength or force cable to helps acknowledge a faith in something, often times bigger than ourselves. The key is where our power comes from and what it is we are confessing.
I am firm believer that the power is Christ Jesus and the confession is the Word of God and positive things instead of negative.
The Positive Confession of a Growing Christian
One of the first slogans I learned as a baby Christian was “confess it, believe it, and count it done in the name of Jesus.” I remember as a young teenager in high school confessing for good grades, confessing that the lord would bless me with whatever I needed. I was so excited back then, on fire, faith unwavering. I confessed for God to use me to do great works and to allow me to accomplish many great things. As I look back I chuckle at my naive and innocent faith.
As I have grown older and life has handed me quite a few blows (bombs is more accurate), I find that it is harder to have the fresh naive and positive outlook of my youth. As I continue to struggle with hardships and heart breaks in my life, it is difficult to stay positive and I am not ashamed to say that I have looked at my circumstances and failed to see no way out on many occasion. I have viewed positive confession as ridiculous and ineffective method to improve my circumstances many times in moments of despair and frustration.
Yet one thing has continued to remain constant for me is that even though I am down I don’t stay there. I begin to call upon the name of the Lord and say I can do all things through Christ Jesus who Strengthens me (Philippians 4:13) Even in my darkest hour as I began to confess the word about my circumstances peace would come. Hope abounds when there is an acknowledgment according to the word of God.
Negative Thinking: Positive Confession’s Greatest Enemy
One of the greatest enemies of positive confession is negative thinking. It is interesting to me how the nature of man has always been to gravitate towards the negative. Yet the positive has so much more power and benefit to our lives. The bible tells us that we are born in sin and conceived in iniquity, therefore, it is in our innate nature to look gravitate towards a negative perspective first. How many times have we jumped to conclusions and automatically thought the worst, only to find out upon closer examination that things were not as bad as they seemed? I can honestly say, for myself too many times.
It feels comfortable to our flesh to dwell on the negative. How many times have we been quick to pass along the latest juice gossip and hesitant to pass along good news? It is amazing to me how easy it is to say something negative about someone and so hard to say something positive.
Here me with your heart when I say this. You must learn to overcome negative thought and speech if you ever expect to walk in your fullest potential. I cannot tell you the number of times thinking and speaking negatively has cost me opportunities and killed my momentum to develop and grow into my God ordained Destiny. The bible says that we have what we say and that death and life lie in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). This let’s me know that I have the power to change my life for the better or worst by what I say and how I think.
I have found that the more I speak the Word of God and positive life fulfilling words from my mouth the better I feel, the clearer my outlook, the better I perform and the more effective others are around me as I speak positively into their lives.
I admonish each of you to begin this day to cast down negative imaginations and begin to view the world from a more Godly and positive manner, begin confessing that the glass is have full instead of half empty and I promise that as you do your life will definitely change for the better.
To God Be the Glory; both Now and Forevermore.
Voluptuous Diva
Stay Blessed and Continue to Re-Define Yourself!
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I’m a Survivor
19 FebDeep within me, there is a knowing that floods my soul; that at my deepest, darkest hour of despair, I am compelled to keep going. It tells me I am not alone, and everything—regardless of how it looks—will be all right.
It is at those moments that I realize I am being carried by a strength not my own, a wind that propels me, even without my realizing it.
King David states many times throughout the book of Psalms that in his darkest hours, God came and comforted him, and provided him with the strength to endure. Over the last few years of my life, I have come into the realization of those scriptures like never before, and I thank Him.
I look back over some of the trials and tribulations in my life and realize they have provided me with even more significant triumphs. They may not have seemed that way at the time, however, looking back over them in hindsight, I realize they were not just trials and tribulations, but opportunities for growth in my character and my faith.
They were chances for me to change for the better, to learn to think differently in times of crisis, and they were opportunities for me to be repositioned for a greater destiny and purpose.
Over the last three years, several different trials and tribulations come to mind. I think on them and realize I am very humbled and grateful. I have gone into $2 million dollars worth of foreclosure debt from a failing business (we were about to lose everything—houses, cars, commercial property) only to see God bring me and my family out without losing anything. I learned that no matter how hopeless it seems, God is bigger than my financial circumstances.
I learned to turn those circumstances over to Him and to trust Him in my darkest hour.
My faith grew by leaps and bounds that year as He brought my family back to financial stability.
I learned that sometimes He has to literally snatch from us something that is no longer beneficial to us in order to give us what we really need. That was the case in 2011, when our bank allowed our second mortgage holder to foreclose on our commercial property, after we had struggled to bring it out of foreclosure a year earlier. It is a very rare occurrence for a 1st lien holder to allow a 2nd lien holder to foreclose on a property. But, God had another plan; we had outgrown that building and needed more space. Plus, the property was old and the maintenance was becoming quite costly. God removed that financial burden from us, and we were able to get another building that was much bigger and cheaper than what we had. In the end, we owed a $467,000 first mortgage that was paid off when the property was sold, and we were released, debt free, from the property, without having to do anything.
I learned that God is working on my behalf, even when I don’t realize it, and He can resolve an issue without my having to lift a finger.
The bank sent us the deed in the mail, stamped “Paid in Full” and we did not even know it was coming.
I learned that He will fight my battles if I hold my peace and remain steadfast. My company had an unfair audit that resulted in a crazy re-payment request from Medicaid in the amount of $439,000. We fought for two years, and finally hired an attorney. The attorney fought on our behalf for over 6 months, and, finally, he called us and said the amount had been reduced to $4,166.25. He said the attorney for the state dropped the charges and requested payment only for the events originally reviewed in the initial audit. Once the amount was paid, the audit and the entire issue would be resolved permanently. Only God can reduce a debt by over $435,000 without the attorney even having to do anything.
I learned that God is the greatest defense in the midst of a battle, and as long as He is on my side, I am the righteousness that will never be forsaken, and the seed that will never beg for bread.
I learned that God will remove a burden from you at your most stressful moment in order to reposition you for the greater blessing that is to come. Even when the situation looks unjust and hopeless, His mercy is sufficient, and His wisdom and truth endure forever. I learned that in the mist of a mighty tribulation, there is peace, and that the content of your character and integrity determine the success of your outcome.
I had that revelation this year when the state unfairly decided not to renew my business contract for the Medicaid services. They gave me four days to discontinue doing business, with no regard for the people I served, or my staff, who depended on my business to feed their families. My livelihood of 8 years—gone; hundreds of thousands of dollars in income—gone. At first, I was very distraught, and I felt defeated. I began to despair as if all was lost, but I talked with a colleague of mine who helped me realize that was far from the truth.
As I began to pray and consult the Lord, He told me, “I am removing this burden from you, so you can be free.”
The truth is, I hated that business; I was tired, burnt out and the business was struggling financially. A new vision had been burning in my spirit for two years, but I had no time to pursue it. The loss of that business gave me back my peace, my home, the time I needed to grow closer to God so that He could work on me, and time to work on the vision that now drove my passion. The day the business closed, I called a friend of mine and screamed, cried and thanked God for 30 minutes that the burden had finally been lifted.
A wave of peace swept over my body, and God told me He would work everything out for my family’s good, and I believed Him.
It was the first time in 8 years that I felt unrestrained and at total peace. God brought my family out of that circumstance as independent contractors able to sustain ourselves financially, with none of the stress, expense, and responsibilities of the business ownership. Only the Lord can do that.
In closing, I say unto you that no matter what trials and tribulations come your way, know that God is in the midst, waiting to give us peace, waiting to give us guidance, waiting to reposition us for something better, and waiting to show Himself sovereign. Know that what comes is coming in order to develop us into wiser, stronger people, and usher us to the next level of blessings, purpose, and destiny, for a greater life.
Your humble bondservant,
Voluptuous Diva
Voluptuous Diva Diaries is a newsletter sponsored by Voluptuous Diva, Inc.
Our Mission:
To inspire Normal Size Women to be better Me’s through thought provoking social media and by creating vintage inspired fashions that re-define, revolutionize, and inspire the plus size woman. Beautiful. Strong. Voluptuous women who are the majority, the norm.
Our Vision:
For all voluptuous women to feel empowered, sexy, and valued
Joan White is the founder of Voluptuous Diva, Inc. and resides in Winston-Salem, NC
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Dispelling Misconceptions
6 Febwant to say as a plus size woman growing up in America, I know one thing for sure:
We live in a society that defines
plus size very negatively.
FACT: The Center for Disease Control considers 68% of American women overweight or obese.
However, the average woman is size 14-16, under 5’4” and pear shaped, which means the average woman looks like Oprah Winfrey. Yet fewer than 5% are of us are positively represented in media.
We are the norm and
the norm deserves to be
positively represented.
The media deceives American women into thinking super model/Hollywood bodies are norms, and if you are not that body type, you are abnormal, inadequate, and stupid. FACT: Super models are only ½ of 1% and the Hollywood bodies are less than 5% of the female population. We must wonder about a society that glorifies those who are so skinny that bones show through her skin and the price to be thin causes death by anorexia.
What message does this send to our daughters and young women who will never achieve this fleeting standard of beauty?
They deserve an empowering realistic example not the misguiding one that exist.
Time to make a change and
the plus size women are
the ones to do it.
FACT: Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. We live in a society with as vast a representation of women as colors in a kaleidoscope.
Some argue that being plus size is unhealthy. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that every woman has a responsibility for her own health. I am no exception; I am super-plus size woman. I admit it; I own it.
However, just because that is the case does not mean I am lazy, stupid, or do not care about myself. The only difference between my struggle and yours is the type of struggle.
Declare with me:
I refuse to be de-valued
because of society’s prejudices.
FACT: Plus size women are doctors, lawyers, nurses, mothers, hardworking, dedicated, and like myself entrepreneurs and employers of industry. We are educated, strong, determined, passionate and intelligent. It is time we raise our voices and demand that these qualities be recognized.
We will not be silent any longer!
So where do we go from here? We begin to re-define ourselves, re-brand ourselves, and set a new standard with the average and above-average women in mind.
I founded Voluptuous Diva Inc. to become a “Revolutionary” and launch an uprising determined to give a new voice back to the majority. And provide more new faces of beauty show-casing today’s modern woman.
In the coming months this newsletter and blogs will empower 80 million women (the 68% who are considered plus size). The inspiring articles will accentuate the multiplicity of who we are.
- Get ready for interviews with exceptional voluptuous women who impact powerful change in our society.
- Find useful tips designed to help you positively define your life and take life to the next level.
- Discover the most fabulous vintage-inspired plus-size customized fashions you have ever seen.
Come Join the Revolution and Re-define Yourself!
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