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It’s Okay Because I Refuse
23 DecFun Fashion Fact-History of Underwear
17 DecTraditionally, underwear was worn under clothing to prevent outer garments from being soiled by body secretions (such as sweat & menstruation). Other uses included: shaping the body (e.g. corsets), providing support for sporting activities (e.g. jockstraps & bras), and for layered warmth. The main purpose for underwear was simply functionality. As society, fashion, and technology evolved, so did undergarments and their uses.
The earliest form of underwear worn by mankind is presumed to be the loincloth. Often, it was the only piece of clothing worn, and only covered the genitals. Made of wool, linen, or soft leather, the simplistic loincloth has been traced back 7,000 years to ancient Egyptian, Greek, and Roman eras.
The Renaissance age gave rise to more sophisticated layered clothing. Women wore long lavish dresses, and men adorned full trouser suits. Underpants were fitted underneath formal attire, and secured with flaps, buttons, and ties.
To facilitate urination, underpants for both men and women were often made open-crotch so that entire costumes didn’t have to be unfastened and removed.
As technology advanced with the invention of new methodologies and fabrics, clothing became more fashionable than functional. Modesty soon gave way to individuality, innovation, confidence, and sex appeal. Social liberation prompted more variety, color, prints, and features in garments. New lifestyles emerged along with new pastimes.
People rejoiced in music, the arts, and self- expression. Dancers were the first to wear stockings, garter belts, and g-strings, which paved the way for sexy lingerie that we see today. Male models helped promote the allure of men’s fitted underwear, and professional fighters inspired the creation of boxer briefs. All these facets interlaced together to evolve underwear!
From humble beginnings as a plain loincloth, we now have available to us lacey panties, cotton briefs, g-strings, padded bras, thongs, silk boxers, boy-shorts, open crotch, hi-cut, low-rise, seamless, stretch, fluorescent, patterned, buttoned, crotch-less, and so many more wonderful varieties of undies. History has also shown us that “open crotch” underwear is not something new. It has just been liberated through sexy new designing, luscious fabrics, and exotic features.
Posted by trixxintimates.com, June 10, 2011
13 simple ways that reveal if a man really loves you…
26 NovI came across this wonderful information by Michael Fiore on his website DigitalRomance.com. Be honest with yourself when you address each point and ask yourself each question. If you honestly do the work, you should be able to determine where you stand and hopefully be well on your way to a loving lasting relationship.
First, some things to remember:
- A women’s insecurity can kill a man’s love for you, like poison on a flower. Men hate it when their women doubt their sincerity regarding his love for us. This doubt kills his self-esteem and drains his love for us.
- It is impossible to be loved unless you first love yourself. Putting your love and self-worth in a man creates intense pressure on a guy.
- Men aren’t women. Women make the mistake of wanting a man to love them in the same way we as women love.
- Love means different things to different people. For women, the question becomes, “Does he desire me and only me?” For men, it means, “Am I happy when I am with her”, or “Am I jealous of the thought of other men around her?” Women want obsession and devotion, men want appreciation and respect. For both sides to be happy there has to be a meeting of the minds; read the signals.
The ask yourself these questions
- Does he say, “I love you?” If he says I love you too early, then this is a bad sign. At least a few times a month is good.
- Does he make you a priority in his life? Actions speak louder than words. You should be in his top 3 priorities. Sometimes, things shift and priorities change. His actions can include making dinner for you, going to dinners, or doing things he hates for your benefit. The actions don’t have to be grand gestures.
- Does he tell his friends about you and show you off in public settings? Have you met his family? If he does not do this then he is ashamed of you, or something is fishy. A man who is in love wants to show you off. Does he hide you away?
- Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Does he look at you and talk to you during sex?
- Does he respect and encourage you? Does he value your opinion? Share important decisions? Does he encourage you to have a life outside of him? Is he in your corner? Jealousy is not love. We must understand the difference.
- Do your friends like the way he treats you? Your friends can judge him better than you can.
- Does he look at you with desire and attraction? Does he check you out (physical appreciation)?
I hope you’ve enjoyed our time together and learned a lot of cool tips that I’ve been using to build a great relationship.
Your input is important to me so please comment, like and share this article. And if you want more information on this article email me at voluptuousdiva@getresponse.com
As always his bondservant
Voluptuous Diva
Voluptuous Diva Diaries is a newsletter sponsored by Voluptuous Diva, Inc.
We are an online social network, fashion design, and merchandising community
dedicated to the majority of American women.
Voluptuous Diva, Inc. was created so that my fellow Divas can
feel empowered, sexy, and inspired.
Joan White is the founder of Voluptuous Diva, Inc. and resides in
Winston-Salem, NC
Inside the Mind and Heart of a Man Part 7
5 NovRelationships and the Plus Size Woman
Inside the Mind and Heart of a Man (Part 7):
Your look matters
My sincere apologies to everyone for not finishing this series sooner. I have been busy these last few months launching my clothing line and now its finally here and available on line at Voluptuousdiva.com. This series of articles is designed to educate women on the inner workings of men. The information is from the book authored by Shuanti Feldham, which emphasizes the importance of eight revelations involving the mindset of men. To date, we have discussed six revelations. The first revelation was that men need to be respected more than they need to be loved. The second revelation was that men are insecure. Despite a man’s “in-control” exterior, men often feel like impostors. The third revelation is that men have a driving need to be providers, which validates their love for their families and justifies their abilities to succeed as men. The fourth revelation was that men want more sex. Having sex is a method of displaying love and acceptance by his wife, and fills a deep emotional void within. The fifth, men are visual creatures and just because they are looking does not mean they are lusting, or not in love with their wives or significant others. Men keep a mental roladex of images that are recalled involuntarily and can be triggered by another image they see. The sixth is that men are actually romantic and love and desire to be romantic with the one they love.
Revelation 7: “Men care about how we look”
This is probably one of the single most important facts about men that women need to know (even more important than sex, YES). The bottom line is ladies, men care about how we look. “Your man doesn’t need you to be a size 3, but he does need you to make the effort to take care of yourself for him and he’s willing to help.” The effort we put into our appearance is extremely important to him. Men are visual creatures so it is not unreasonable to assume that men would care about our outward appearance. Being out of shape and looking ragged doesn’t just affect you it affects him as well. The bible tells us that the woman is the glory of the man. This means that our actions are a direct reflection on him, good, bad or indifferent. Men aren’t as concerned with size as they are with the fact that we should care about ourselves, especially when we let ourselves go and no longer care about how we look. What affects our self-worth affects the man we love. They just want to see us care about ourselves and this shows we care about them.
Women are too sensitive about their bodies
Ladies lets face it, we are too sensitive and self-conscious about our bodies. We must learn to accept ourselves for who we are and stopping judging ourselves so harshly. Almost every man cares if his wife or significant other is out of shape and doesn’t make an effort to change. When surveyed 7 out of 10 men indicated that would be emotionally bothered if the woman in their lives let herself go and didn’t make an effort to do something about it. Our efforts matter the most. Most men are not concerned with the fact that we look like we did when they first met us, they are more concerned that we keeping ourselves together at the present. We as women must learn to love ourselves for who we are yes but we must exhibit such by making a daily effort to look presentable and well groomed. This means we fix our hair, wear clothing that compliments us, wear a little make up, a nice pair of earrings and shoes and yes perfume. We as women often can take for granted that because our husband or partner has pledge their faithfulness to us that only what is on the inside counts and the outside does not matter. But this could be further from the truth the outside does matter and when we as women stop caring the men in our lives feel hurt and disrespected.
So why does it matter so much
Because men are visual, when they see us make the effort to look good it makes them feel we care and in turn they feel loved. When our man puts forth a romantic effort to create something special for us we don’t care if the evening is not perfect, we are just glad for the effort and it means the world to us. This is the same way our man feels when we make an effort concerning our looks, it is a total turn-on. Therefore, just like when a man does not care about romance and is neglectful we feel unloved and unvalued; the same feelings are felt when as women stop caring about our appearance. Men desire to keep their attention on us and in this day and time with the way women dress and our sexually image driven society this can be quite a challenge. Keeping up our appearance makes that issue easier as we continue to make ourselves look good.
Men want to be proud of their wives or mates. The wife he has is just as much a part of his competitive nature as his house, and kids. Every man wants other men to think he did well in this regard and doing our part to look nice makes that possible. Most men are sensitive to this subject because they know we are sensitive about it also.
So what is a Woman to do
We must first recognize that we need to make some changes. If we are not happy with ourselves, we can be assured our man is not either. The good news is that our man wants to help us change and is prepared to do whatever is necessary to help us be successful in that regard. There is so much information designed to help us be successful in weight loss and exercise it is up to you to find what works for you. Lastly, God is waiting to help us. I know from personal experience that when I rely upon God’s strength and not my own I am so successful at whatever I set out to do and weight loss is no different. I admonish each woman reading this blog today to look honestly within herself and determine whether or not this is an issue she needs to address. If you are guilty repent to God and then if needed repent to your husband or partner. Then begin with a new mindset and heart to make changes for the better trusting God you will get there along the way
In loving kindness his bondservant
Joan White
Voluptuous Diva
Inside the Heart and Mind of a Man Part 6
15 OctRelationships and the Plus Size Woman
Inside the Mind and Heart of a Man (Part 6):
Men are Actually Romantic
This series of articles is designed to educate women on the inner workings of men. The information is from the book authored by Shuanti Feldham, which emphasizes the importance of seven revelations involving the mindset of men. To date, we have discussed five revelations. The first revelation was that men need to be respected more than they need to be loved. The second revelation was that men are insecure. Despite a man’s “in-control” exterior, men often feel like impostors. The third revelation is that men have a driving need to be providers, which validates their love for their families and justifies their abilities to succeed as men. The fourth revelation was that men want more sex. Having sex is a method of displaying love and acceptance by his wife, and fills a deep emotional void within. The fifth, men are visual creatures and just because they are looking does not mean they are lusting, or not in love with their wives or significant others. Men keep a mental roladex of images that are recalled involuntarily and can be triggered by another image they see.
Revelation 6: “Men are Actually Romantic”
What is really in the minds of men regarding romance? Do they really think it is a waste of time or is it just a means to an end to get sex? Women we may not realize it but men want and enjoy romance but sometimes find different things romantic than we do and are fearful over the fact they may not be good at executing a romantic interlude. When surveyed men are secret romantics and most want more romance in their lives. What’s even more amazing is that they want romance apart from sex. Believe it or not, men long for the same connections, togetherness, fun and intimacy that we do. The survey found that 84% of men desire romance. This held true regardless of age, race, married or single.
So why don’t men initiate more romance in the relationship. Most men fall into two categories regarding romance, internal hesitation or gender gap. When surveyed however 88% of men believe they have the ability to plan a romantic evening for their spouse or significant other but half are not confident they would do it well. What do I mean by internal hesitation? Men are scared to death of being humiliated or appearing incompetent in front of anyone, especially the woman he loves. Men are haunted by romantic failures of the past. If you tease a man or criticize him for his romantic efforts be prepared for him to not be to willing to do it again. Lastly, please understand that his lack of romance is not always personal. It is difficult for a man to change gears from work to the home. Men need personal space after working all day to wind down so that he can transition and give his attention to his family.
The gender gap in the definition of romance is that men view romance differently. First, playing together is very romantic, men like playing with their wives or significant other, it makes them feel close and provides a chance to be intimate and focus on each other. Men want to go out and do things together with us. As one man said, “Men don’t want to abandon their wives to do guy things. They want to do guy things with their wife.” A woman who has fun with her man is incredibly attractive. Second, romance without sex may not feel complete. Most men are romantic with an end in mind not for selfish reason but remember sex is their way of feeling emotionally connected. Your man wants romance not to manipulate you sexually but to connect with the one he loves after a hard day at the office and escape the pressures of life.
So what is a woman to do
By now it should be dawning on you just how much power we have as women. So what do we do, we encourage and affirm him. Tell him how great he is and how much you appreciate what he does even when the efforts do not go as expected. Keep it fresh by giving him something to pursue, recognize his need for space as well as intimate attention. Bottom line, make yourself the type of friend and lover he constantly wants to pursue. Help him understand what is so important to you. Lastly, keep him number one. So often we put things before our spouse, the kids, the job, family. He needs to know he is a priority this makes him feel valued, loved and respected in our lives.
In loving kindness his bondservant
Joan White
Voluptuous Diva
Inside the Heart and Mind of a Man Part 5
1 OctRelationships and the Plus Size Woman
Inside the Mind and Heart of a Man (Part 5):
Men are Visual
This series of articles is designed to educate women on the inner workings of men. The information is from the book authored by Shuanti Feldham, which emphasizes the importance of seven revelations involving the mindset of men. To date, we have discussed four revelations. The first revelation was that men need to be respected more than they need to be loved. The second revelation was that men are insecure. Despite a man’s “in-control” exterior, men often feel like impostors. The third revelation is that men have a driving need to be providers, which validates their love for their families and justifies their abilities to succeed as men. The fourth revelation was that men want more sex. Having sex is a method of displaying love and acceptance by his wife, and fills a deep emotional void within.
Revelation 5: “Men are Visual”
Often we as women ask ourselves this question, “Why is it so natural for him to look, and so hard to forget what he has seen?” I truly believe this revelation is probably one of this most important out all the seven. Grasping this information will drastically help you understand the mind of a man. I can truly say I have a renewed respect for men, and more consciousness of how I conduct myself and dress in their presence.
Even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of other women.
Upon reading this revelation there are two factors that come to light. First, a woman with a great body is extremely difficult to avoid gazing or fixating attention for men. Even if he manages not to look, he is aware of her presence. Second, men have a mental “Rolodex” of stored pictures in their heads that can invade their thoughts without notice or can be summoned at will. Women need to understand that this condition is a hard wired compulsion, and has very little to do with we as women not being who they want or love.
1. A man can’t help but look: When surveyed, 98% of men, whether single or happily married, admitted they could not help but look or be aware of an attractive women’s body. Men are drawn to look even when they make an effort to avoid looking. It is not personal. He is not flirting. He has no interest in getting to know the woman. It is an internal drive that is automatic.
2. A man has a mental Rolodex of sensual images: Unfortunately, today’s sexually charged society does not make this fact any easier. When surveyed, 87% of men admitted to having a mental database of images or pictures stored in their brains. These pictures or images are not all about sexual acts or of their wives, but from any type of intimate moment, a Playboy magazine hottie, a Victoria’s Secret model, the Fruit of the Loom women on the underwear commercial, etc. These images can come across without notice, retrieved at will, or triggered by something he sees.
Men admit that sensual images or thoughts bombard them all the time. Men explained it like this, as teenagers they routinely dealt with involuntary images every few hours, and could spend as much as a half hour focused on a given image. This process can be the same for a man in his twenties. Once he reaches his thirties and forties, he is a little more settled but the images are still triggered and can be difficult to discard.
We have to remember this information in a non-judgmental manner. Just because a man is tempted with these images does not mean he is sinning. Temptations are not sins (The bible states that “Jesus was tempted in every way”). It is what men do with those images that becomes the real issue. Women need to note that these thoughts arise automatically, and most times are unintentional and involuntary. A man’s brain automatically notices nice features on a woman without even realizing.
It is also automatic that when these images come to mind, they can be accompanied with a rush of sexual pleasure. It is up to the man to suppress the urge to act on these thoughts, or linger on them when they arise. Men do have control over whether or not they dwell on the images that arise in their minds. This takes great strength on the part of our man. As women, we must understand and support them as they struggle with this issue, by not being defensive and not taking this struggle as a personal indictment to our relationship.
Be reassured ladies that his temptation is not primarily about sex. Know that every man is different and it is not because of us or that something is wrong with us that he has this issue. Also know, that his struggle with this issue does not change his feelings for us.
So what are we as Women to Do?
Pray for him, and for the both of you as a couple. Check our hearts, be willing to support him with empathy, and determine how involved we want to become in his accountability process. I truly believe men need to be accountable to other men regarding this issue, as it can be difficult for some women to handle. We need to be a support to them, let them know we understand their issue, and that we are open to communicating about it if they need to talk. We must be open and non-judgmental so that we do not hurt their self-esteem. Lastly, we as women must become aware of how we present ourselves to our men, thereby ensuring we are not contributing unknowingly to this issue.
Please comment, share and like this article. your input is very important to us
For special request, concerns or questions send your emails to voluptuousdiva@getresponse.com
Inside the Heart of the Man Part 4
17 SepRelationships and the Plus Size Woman
Inside the Mind and Heart of a Man (Part 4):
Men Want More Sex
This series of articles is designed to educate women on the inner workings of men. The information is from the book authored by Shuanti Feldham, which emphasizes the importance of seven revelations involving the mindset of men. To date, we have discussed three revelations. The first revelation was that men need to be respected more than they need to be loved. The second revelation was that men are insecure. Despite a man’s “in-control” exterior, men often feel like impostors. The third revelation is that men have a driving need to be providers, which validates their love for their families and justifies their abilities to succeed as men.
Revelation 4: “Men want more Sex”
This particular revelation applies more to wives than just long and short term girlfriends. So keep this in mind as you read this revelation. For wives, your sexual desire for your husbands profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of his life.
Basically, men want more sex not because they are “sex maniacs” as we have assumed, but because if fulfills a deep internal emotional need within. We as women don’t realize this concept, and for men this presents a crisis not just for the man, but for the relationship as well. For your husband, sex is more than just a physical need, it is a deeply emotional need as well. Lack of sex for a husband is just as serious in his estimation as it would be for the wife (or girlfriend) if he stopped talking to you.
Sex Fills a Powerful Emotional Need
A man often battles feelings of isolation, and is burdened by secret feelings of inadequacy. Making love re-assures him that you find him desirable and eases a deep sense of loneliness, which gives him strength to face the world with confidence. You see, at the most basic level, your man wants to be wanted by you. When surveyed, 98% of men said getting plenty of sex was not the only issue, it was also important to feel wanted and desired by their wives. Women have to realize there are plenty of emotions associated with sexual intimacy within the male psyche. When women say no to sexual intimacy, we are frustrating our partner’s emotions. We must also remember that even if they were getting all the sex they wanted, it would still feel empty if their wives or lovers are not fully engaged and satisfied. We must learn to realize the emotional consequences of our response to sexual intimacy, whether positive or negative.
Men need their women to want and need to have sex with them
When a man has a fulfilled sex life, it creates an inner peace. Conversely, deep wounds are created when that vital part of their life is unfulfilled. There are several benefits of sexual intimacy that need to be noted:
1. Fulfilling sex makes him feel loved and desired – Having a mutually enjoyable sex life is critical to a man’s feelings of being loved and desired. Men deal with a deep sense of loneliness that women don’t understand, and making love is the purest salve for that loneliness. A man can feel isolated, even with his wife. However, in love making, a man realizes that there is one other person in his world that he can be completely vulnerable with, and be totally accepted without judgment. For a man, making love is a solace that goes very deep into the heart of his being.
86% of men admit that more sex would give them a greater sense of well being and increased satisfaction
2. Fulfilling sex gives him confidence – Our desire for our man goes beyond making him feel wanted and loved. Our desire for our husbands is the foundational support to equip him to take on the world and face his daily life outside the home with confidence. When sex is in sync, men are more confident and alive. When surveyed, 86% of men admitted that if sex were available as much as they desired, it would have a very positive affect, and give them a greater sense of well-being and satisfaction. This is not just a physical issue; sex provides a release from day to day pressures, and in their minds makes everything better. We as women need to understand that what happens in the bedroom can affect how the next day at the office will transpire.
“No” is not no to sex; as she might feel. It is no to me as I am”
3. When we reject a man sexually, we wound him and it causes incredible pain – Women need to be sensitive to the fact that when we engage in sex with our mate out of a sense of duty, the man feels incredibly rejected. He would rather go out and clip hedges in the cold freezing rain than make love to a reluctant woman. What he wants most is to be desired by his wife, and when wives aren’t sensitive to this feeling and display it by either having sex out of duty, or telling him “not tonight”, he is hearing us say that we are turned off by him, and that we don’t care about what matters deeply in his opinion. He hears this even when are saying we don’t want sex at that moment. Therefore, in this area, we must learn to be very sensitive or risk causing damage to the man.
4. When we lack desire for our man we can send him into a depression – Just as your sexual desires give a man a greater sense of satisfaction and well being, continued rejection will lead to a nagging lack of confidence, withdrawal, and depression. Men can’t just turn off the physical and emotional importance of sex. Compare their pain to the pain you would feel if your husband stopped talking to you anymore. The pain would be unbearable. Realize women, that not having mutual sexual intimacy with our husbands is considered a lost treasure which can lead to deep resentments, hurt feelings, fostered anger, and feelings of alienation within our men.
How are we as Women to respond?
Out of all seven revelations, I truly believe that women need to make sure they understand this particular need more than the others. The sexual intimacy between a husband and wife connects the other factors, and relates them closely to one another.
1. Choose to love him the way he needs to be loved – Once you realize what your man is saying in this regard, we must begin to view his sexual desires differently, and respond in kind to this deep internal need with a genuine desire and willingness. We must realize that we are responding to a tender heart hiding behind that strong silent male persona. We must learn to respond with complete genuine emotional and loving involvement. When we can’t respond physically, then we need to make sure we use words that are sensitive, heartfelt, reassuring, and convey affirmation that his need is important and that no disrespect is intended.
2. Get involved and enjoy it – Remember to not respond out a physical sense of duty because this does not meet his needs, but instead makes him feel rejected. We as women need to be open and tell our men what we need, want, like, and feel, so that we receive satisfaction from the intimacy as we give it in turn. Men really do want a whore in the bedroom and a lady in public. Be that wildcat, and use your imagination. Trust me, your man can handle it, and would love to see it often!
3. Don’t be afraid to get help if you need to – It is not uncommon for women to feel sexually inhibited for both physical and mental reasons. It is just as important to seek the medical or mental treatment needed to address these issues to be free to love your man without inhibitions. Trust me, you and your husband will find it valuable to your relationship.
4. Make sex a priority – Women make the mistake of allowing our daily routine of cooking, cleaning, and caring for the kids to overshadow the needs of our husbands. We too often say no to the one thing he is asking for in exchange for dealing with the needs of others and our personal agenda.
5. Pay attention to the signals – Women need to pay attention to the signals that your husband sends which may be a sign that his sexual needs are not being met. Pay attention to what he is saying to you, and don’t ignore that importance. In doing so, you validate the fact that you hear his concerns.
When you understand your husband’s heart on this issue and are conscious of meeting that need, you will see your husband meet your needs as well.
Join The Revolution Click Here
Voluptuous Diva Diaries is a newsletter sponsored by Voluptuous Diva, Inc.
We are an online social network, fashion design, and merchandising community
dedicated to the majority of American women.
Voluptuous Diva, Inc. was created so that my fellow Divas can
feel empowered, sexy, and inspired.
Joan White is the founder of Voluptuous Diva, Inc. and resides in Winston-Salem, NC
Inside the Heart and Mind of a Man Part 3
20 AugRelationships and the Plus Size Woman
Inside the Mind and Heart of a Man (Part 3):
Men are Providers
We continue to learn from author Shuanti Feldham, the importance of seven revelations involving the mindset of men. The first revelation was that men need to be respected more than they need to be loved. The second revelation was that men are insecure. Despite a man’s “in-control” exterior, men often feel like impostors. These feelings of insecurity and the belief that their inadequacies will be discovered often leave them discredited and vulnerable to the world.
Revelation 3 “Men are Providers”
“Even if we as women make enough income to support
our family’s lifestyle, it would make no difference to the mental
burden our husband or man feels to provide for those he loves.”
One of the greatest mental burdens that men face is the internal need to provide for their family. What we as women need to understand is that our ability to contribute to the financial needs of the household is not the issue. Most men, when surveyed, appreciated the fact that their wives contribute financially, but state it is not relevant to their need to be a provider. For most men, the drive to provide is so deeply rooted almost nothing can relieve their feeling of duty. It is an obsession much like a women’s obsession about body insecurity (“I wish I was thinner!”)
Providing is at the core of a man’s identity
1. A man feels this driving need all the time – The need to provide, for most men, is constant and never goes away. When surveyed, 71% of men said the need to provide is always or often on their minds.
2. Being a provider is at the core of a man’s identity – Men have an instinctive nature to provide, feel powerful when they are providing, and desire deeply to feel depended on by the recipients of what they provide.
3. Providing is a primary way to say “I love you.” – For a man, bringing home a paycheck is pure love talk. This act reinforces his need to prove that he can take care of you, and allows him to show he is worthy of his woman. In his mind it is the central way he expresses his love. Men worry about providing so that the woman does not have this concern.
This is why men work such long hours. In a man’s mind, working long hours equates to saying I love you. When we as woman complain, men find this confusing and distressing. Why, because most men work as much as they do because it is their way of sacrificing for their wives and family out of love.
Most men combine the desire to provide with a strong internal desire to succeed in the workplace. However, where men can come up short is failing to provide a balance between work and maintaining a strong home relationship.
4. Providing carries an ongoing risk of failure – The area of providing is where most men experience the ongoing risk of failure. The Apostle Paul wrote that a man who doesn’t provide for his family is worse than an infidel. This statement is believed by many men as an accurate internal reflection of the angst a man feels when he is unable to provide for those he loves.
Among the men surveyed, 61% felt unappreciated at work, constantly worried about being laid off, business declines, and failing at work, which would inhibit their ability to provide. They equated this failure to the pain of skin being flayed off their bodies. We as women need to be sensitive to the fact that any time a man’s family has to adjust their lifestyle to the point where the needs of the family suffers, then a man suffers emotional torture inside.
5. Providers can feel trapped – Men constantly war with the internal need to provide, be depended on, and the feelings of being trapped by that responsibility. What frustrates men is when we as women don’t understand that they believe working long hours is their only option for getting ahead. This is especially true when men feel we place them under pressure to provide for us materially, and when we complain. When surveyed, 82% of men admitted that if they did not work hard they would be letting their families and organizations down, and also added they hated being away from their families as much but felt they had no other option.
6. Providing means earning enough for both present and future – Men focus on providing not only for the present but also for the future. So men stress about not only being able to pay for college for the kids, but also for retirement. When many men reach the age of retirement, they feel emotionally inadequate once the career part of their life disappears because a large part of their identity is wrapped up in their ability to provide and their careers. Therefore, in retirement years many men struggle with receiving pensions and retirement without going to work, and will find themselves struggling with depression in their golden years. Older women take special note to that information.
So How Do We as Women Need to Respond
We as women must face the fact that our mates feel caught, with few options, feeling “he has to be the provider”. When we understand this issue, we must strive to no longer view many of our husband’s decisions concerning his job and career as weak or non-productive, but recognize he is doing what is necessary to meet the financial needs of his family.
We as women should understand this even though we may not always agree. As partners, we should be willing to help relieve the pressure by not complaining, make financial adjustments in our own spending habits, believe in our man, and offer to work with him to address the financial issues in the home. Women need to realize the seriousness of the financial situation and be willing to adjust spending accordingly.
Remember women, a man will internalize your disappointment as his personal failure to provide. Encourage and appreciate him regularly for providing, and offer to help relieve the pressure they feel instead of adding to the matter. In doing so, our men will feel a sense of self worth and work hard to provide the best life possible for his family.
Join The Revolution Click Here
Voluptuous Diva Diaries is a newsletter sponsored by Voluptuous Diva, Inc.
We are an online social network, fashion design, and merchandising community
dedicated to the majority of American women.
Voluptuous Diva, Inc. was created so that my fellow Divas can
feel empowered, sexy, and inspired.
Joan White is the founder of Voluptuous Diva, Inc. and resides in Winston-Salem, NC
Inside the Heart and Mind of a Man Part 2
23 JulDating and the Plus Size Woman
Inside the Mind and Heart of the Man Part 2 – Men are Insecure
Voluptuous Diva is an inspirational motivational speaker, blogger and radio personality, fashion designer and merchandiser. My goal is to inspire plus size women to feel empowered sexy and valued.
I am so excited to continue with the relationship series for plus size woman called “Inside the Mind and Heart of a Man.”
As in the first article we learned from the author Shuanti Feldham the importance of seven revelations involving the mindset of men and in order to give me what they need we must learn them. The first one is men need to be respected more than they need to be loved. I never realized how important respect was to men until I read this chapter. This revelation is very detailed from not telling them what to do, not treating them as children, trusting their judgment, watching how we talk to them, not criticizing them in front of others and not criticizing them behind their backs. When we show unconditional respect to the men we love we empower them to take on the world and ensure they will meet our needs as well.
Revelation No. 2 “Men are Insecure”
I never knew that Mr. Smooth looks so impressive on the outside but feels like an impostor on the inside. Despite their in control exterior men often feel like impostors and are insecure that their inadequacies will be discovered.
Men have a hidden secret that is hard for them to admit to anyone and that is they each have a deep inner uncertainty which renders even the most confident of men helpless and vulnerable. When surveyed men admitted that no matter the level of success that the majority of men feel some degree of insecurity about themselves and abilities and the opinions of others matter. Men are vulnerable internally especially when they don’t have clear direction in what they are doing and often believe on the verge of being exposed. The very idea of someone especially his woman thinking he can’t cut it is the ultimate humiliation and it is one they strive to avoid at all cost.
There are several factors that drive this internal force within the man we love:
1. Men feel they are always being judged-Men feel the pressure of the world on the shoulders all the time. Men surveyed admitted that they think about what others think of them all the time. Men of color are especially affected by this mindset in that our society as a whole places extra stereotypes and double standards on men of color. Our media has done a very good job of showing a black either slam dunken his way out of poverty, shooting each other down in cold blood in the hood, strung out on drugs or being led away in handcuffs off to prison. It is understandable that men of color feel tremendous pressure about being judged by society and the communities in which they live.
2. Men feel they have no earthly idea how to do something- There is a deep seated vulnerability in every man that when doing something new and unfamiliar that he will fail and look incompetent. Even though he may appear confident and knowledgeable on the outside inside he is scared and often afraid that this inner secret will expose him and he will appear as a failure in front of his peers and family. This fear was not only in young emerging professionals but seasoned establish professionals as well.
3. Men really want to do challenged to do something new-Coupled with the vulnerability of being found incapable is the driving desire to want to accomplish and take on something new and adventurous. At first I thought this rather strange but I have come to understand that men are conquerors so the challenge of the unknown mixed with the excitement of potential failure is a driving force behind all men. It is during these times that men feel the most vulnerable and need our encouragement the most.
4. Men feel like impostors in the workplace-a man’s greatest battle with inadequacy takes place on his job. Today’s workplace is a stressful competitive environment for both men and women. So it is not unreasonable to understand that the vulnerability of inadequacy would move over into the workplace as well.
5. Men are constantly fearful of being replaced-Men live with a never ending internal fear that because they are not good enough they will fail and be replaced. It is this same fear that drives them to get out of bed in the morning.
6. Men feel like impostors in their own homes-Men feel just as insecure at home as well as in the workplace. Men truly desire to be good husbands but worry that don’t know how to succeed at doing so. Men judge themselves and feel the women in their lives judge them based on the happiness and respect they receive from them. No man feels he has all the answers on being a good husband or father. We as women need to be especially sensitive to this need in the men in our lives. We need to realize every time we express displeasure with their decisions we are reinforcing this inner issue.
So what do we as women do?
Affirmation is everything-flattery is everything and is one of the most affective ways to affirm a man. When we affirm the man we love we empower him to conquer the world. Men deliberately seek out places to be affirmed. When affirmation is absent a man feels void of confidence and often his feelings of manhood. At home is the most important place for a man to be affirmed. When men know the women in their lives believe in them, they can conquer the world.
Don’t tear him down- Women need to be careful and not reinforce her man’s feelings of inadequacy because it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When surveyed 44% of men felt unappreciated at home. This percentage was especially high among men between the ages of thirty-six and fifty-five.
Please know ladies, if he is not getting affirmation at home he will seek it elsewhere. So we must convince the men in our lives that they are the greatest. The lack of affirmation in a man’s life is a major reason men slip into pornography because looking at that picture makes him feel like a man and provides a false sense of escape. Therefore women I cannot admonish you enough to create a loving affirming home for the men you love.
Women need to create an atmosphere at home that allows men to make mistakes in peace and not have to worry about being exposed. We do this by not being critical and watching our words and mannerisms ensuring we are affirming and respectful. Men need a retreat from the daily pressure of always having to perform.
Support him sexually-Sex plays a huge role in a man’s self confidence. A wife’s who desires her husband physically and affirms him in bed empowers him to take on the world. A great sex life gives a man strength to overcome the inner feelings of the impostor that he battles.
In summary, men want us to know that they need us to want them despite their weaknesses, failings, and short-comings. They desire us to be their number one source of encouragement to become the man God created them to be. It’s about sending the man we love into the world every day alive with the belief that he can conquer the world. We do this by building his self confidence to do the impossible.
Voluptuous Diva Diaries is a newsletter sponsored by Voluptuous Diva, Inc. We are an online social network, fashion design, and merchandising community dedicated to the majority of American women. Voluptuous Diva, Inc. was created so that my fellow Divas can feel empowered, sexy, and inspired. Minister Joan White is the founder of Voluptuous Diva, Inc. and resides in Winston-Salem, NC
Inside the Heart and Mind of a Man
18 JunVoluptuous Diva Diaries
I have been praying and preparing myself for marriage over the last two years. So much so, that over the last year I have purchased several books on the subjects of marriage, becoming the wife God requires and God’s promises for the Single Woman.
As I have continued on life’s journey I have come to realize just how little understanding I have about men and how they think. As I reflect over my life and the challenges I have faced, I had to realize that I had been damaged as result of my volatile relationship with my own father and the men I chose were a direct reflection of that.
I also realized that I am not alone in my clueless mindset about what men need and how they think. One book I am very grateful for reading is by Shaunti Feldhahn “For Women Only, What you need to know about the inner lives of men.” This book has opened my eyes to what men really think internally. I have a greater appreciation for their struggles and thought life and I am convinced having read this book I am more prepared than ever to be the wife my husband will need and can rely on.
Over the next few weeks I am going to blog excerpts from this book. I truly believe the majority of women have no clue about the inner lives of men and by gaining this understanding women will have a new appreciation and respect for the men they love and men in general.
First, a little background about the book and author. Shaunti Feldhahn conducted surveys with over hundreds men of all ages, racial groups, education, and religious backgrounds in order to gain a comprehensive understanding of the inner feelings of men. What she found were similar answers regardless of age, race, education, or religious background.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=1gL4UJu4mgo
There are eight revelations that she presents that will astonish and bless you. Over the next several blogs I am going to be discussing these seven revelations. May you be as blessed as I have.
Revelation 1.“Men need respect”
For many of us this is not new but upon reading the book I realized just how comprehensive this need is. Our respect means more to men than our affection. When surveyed men clearly stated they would rather be alone and unloved than to feel disrespected. Therefore, I have come to realize that the feelings of disrespect and unloved coincide with one another. We can show the man that God has for us our truest love by always ensuring he feels our respect.
One of the ways we can gage a man’s feelings of respect is by his anger. Just as we as women cry when we feel unloved, for men they feel anger when disrespected.
1. Men need unconditional respect from us. We’ve become a culture that has a “what’s in it for me mentality,” which means we only do things if we can get something in return. We also are a culture of conditional lovers. I will love you if I can get what I want in return. Neither of these are in line with God’s principles. We as women must realize that men need unconditional respect not just for who they are but apart from how they are. Men choose to demonstrate love to us even when they don’t feel like it, so should we as women demonstrate respect even we feel he does not deserve it. Eph 5 tells us that husbands should love their wives but wives should respect their husbands.
2. Men need for us to show and affirm our respect for them. How men feel respected and how we feel loved are quite different from one another. While we as women appreciate hearing I love you men need to hear I trust and respect you but it goes deeper than that for them.
3. Respect their judgment-men need to know we trust their knowledge and not argue with their decisions all the time. It is not uncommon for men to feel their decisions have value every where else except at home. We as women have a tendency to treat men as children. I have been guilty of it many times myself. This is a sign of great disrespect to a man, stop it at once!
4. Respect their abilities-Men thrive on the need to figure things out for themselves. This makes them feel like they can conquer something and it reaffirms them as men. For men the greatest fun is spending hours trying to figure how to put something together or finding a new route to a destination. Men want us to trust their judgment on everyday issues, have confidence in their general abilities of learning, and their ability to fix things, etc. We as women make the mistake of thinking we need to help them by making suggestions and giving instruction and in the end it is perceived as you guessed it, disrespect.
It is the little things that matter to men. We don’t realize how important this is but we must catch it so that our men don’t feel disrespected. So the next time our man drives around in circles, ask yourself is being on time more important than his respect.
A side bar to black women. Our men are especially vulnerable to this issue. It is vital to them that the feel we trust and respect them. Black men battle disrespect and a negative stigma in society all their lives. They are viewed as lazy, violent, derelicts of society. They are often considered less intelligent and of less value on the scale of men. We as black women have a duty to unconditionally respect them not only as husbands and mates but as men in general. How much better will they be if we as a society of women give them the unconditional respect they so desperately need. Think about it.
3. Don’t tell him how to do something-Giving gentle advice is one thing but that can quickly turn into instruction. Just support him in what he is doing. If he needs your opinion he will ask for it. If you feel however, it a decision that may have a negative outcome, take it to the Lord in prayer. God can touch his heart to make clear decisions and send a word that will help him understand without you having to say a word.
4. Be respectful in how we talk to them. Once again my black Sistas, we are notorious for being sharp tongue and harsh in how we speak to men. We have been sold a bill of goods that has some serious flaws. We have been raised (especially my generation forward) to be strong independent and self-reliant. While these are not bad qualities we must be careful not to cross over into being disrespectful especially in what we say to our men. It is very easy to be the supervisor at work and bring that into our homes. This is evident by what we say. We must remember that once we hit the door, the supervisor is outside and the woman who respectfully communicates to her man is inside.
We as women hold an awesome power in the way we communicate with our men. We can choose to tear them down or build them up, to encourage or demean it our choice. We as women have to become sensitive to how we say things and what issues push the men in our lives buttons. Be aware that making off the cuff remarks about them in private and to other people such as “you are not the fix type” makes him hear disrespect. We as women need to recognize that even simple reminders come across as nagging or an accusation of laziness or mistrust.
Understand the priorities of men and women are often different. Just because he doesn’t do a task when we want him to doesn’t mean he does not consider our request, often times it means there are other things he places in hirer priority.
We must ensure when we talk to him we are not attacking him. For example, asking him do you know how to do something is not a good approach. The bottom line is what he hears matters more than what we are saying.
5. Respect him in public- It is very painful to a man when a wife or his woman disrespects him in public. The male ego is the most fragile thing on the planet. We as woman make the fatal mistake of thinking this is male pride but it is the furthest thing from the truth. We are dealing with his secret inadequacies as a man. When we embarrass him in public we are not deflating his pride but making him feel inadequate and humiliated as a man. This is why teasing can be so hurtful. We hear a joke, he hears he is inadequate. When we do it in front of others he are saying to others he is inadequate as well.
Remember ladies, the only time a man’s guard is completely down is when he is with the woman he loves. So we can pierce his heart like no one else.
We must also be respectful of the men in our lives even when he is absent from us. Become more sensitive to what we say about him to others when he is not in our presence. Talking negatively about your man behind his back to others is gravely disrespectful.
6. Respect in his assumptions-One area every man has the right to feel disrespected in what we say is when we jump to negative conclusions about them. Too often we make assumptions that are completely false.
We assume he needs to be reminded because he is incapable of remembering on his own or needs nudging to get the job done. This is often further from the truth. We must realize his reasons for not doing something may be different than yours which makes it no less valid. Sometimes men have different priorities or are just not able to handle anything else right now because they are stressed to the max. Often time procrastination is a sign that he is emotionally drained, so pay attention.
We assume he chooses not to help. Often times he just doesn’t see that you need his help. Ask for help, respectfully of course.
We assume he chooses not to help. Often times he just doesn’t see that you need his help. Ask for help, respectfully of course.
We assume it’s because of him. Not everything is his fault, sometimes we have to take responsibility for our own actions. A prime example is a wife who is constantly critical of her man. Trust me this will cause him to become withdrawn emotionally to protect himself and unloving toward you.
7. Remember our actions don’t just affect him but us. Ladies we have to remember that when our man feels respected we empower him to command respect from the rest of the world. He will do better in every aspect of his life however he can do just as bad if we make him feel inadequate.
I promise if you take these words of wisdom to heart you will win every time with you man.
Voluptuous Diva Diaries is a newsletter sponsored by Voluptuous Diva, Inc.
Voluptuous Diva is an online social network, fashion design, and merchandising community
dedicated to the majority of American women.
Voluptuous Diva, Inc. was created so that my fellow Divas can
feel empowered, sexy, and inspired.
Joan White is the founder of Voluptuous Diva, Inc. and resides in Winston-Salem, NC
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