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It’s Okay Because I Refuse
23 Dec13 simple ways that reveal if a man really loves you…
26 NovI came across this wonderful information by Michael Fiore on his website DigitalRomance.com. Be honest with yourself when you address each point and ask yourself each question. If you honestly do the work, you should be able to determine where you stand and hopefully be well on your way to a loving lasting relationship.
First, some things to remember:
- A women’s insecurity can kill a man’s love for you, like poison on a flower. Men hate it when their women doubt their sincerity regarding his love for us. This doubt kills his self-esteem and drains his love for us.
- It is impossible to be loved unless you first love yourself. Putting your love and self-worth in a man creates intense pressure on a guy.
- Men aren’t women. Women make the mistake of wanting a man to love them in the same way we as women love.
- Love means different things to different people. For women, the question becomes, “Does he desire me and only me?” For men, it means, “Am I happy when I am with her”, or “Am I jealous of the thought of other men around her?” Women want obsession and devotion, men want appreciation and respect. For both sides to be happy there has to be a meeting of the minds; read the signals.
The ask yourself these questions
- Does he say, “I love you?” If he says I love you too early, then this is a bad sign. At least a few times a month is good.
- Does he make you a priority in his life? Actions speak louder than words. You should be in his top 3 priorities. Sometimes, things shift and priorities change. His actions can include making dinner for you, going to dinners, or doing things he hates for your benefit. The actions don’t have to be grand gestures.
- Does he tell his friends about you and show you off in public settings? Have you met his family? If he does not do this then he is ashamed of you, or something is fishy. A man who is in love wants to show you off. Does he hide you away?
- Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Does he look at you and talk to you during sex?
- Does he respect and encourage you? Does he value your opinion? Share important decisions? Does he encourage you to have a life outside of him? Is he in your corner? Jealousy is not love. We must understand the difference.
- Do your friends like the way he treats you? Your friends can judge him better than you can.
- Does he look at you with desire and attraction? Does he check you out (physical appreciation)?
I hope you’ve enjoyed our time together and learned a lot of cool tips that I’ve been using to build a great relationship.
Your input is important to me so please comment, like and share this article. And if you want more information on this article email me at voluptuousdiva@getresponse.com
As always his bondservant
Voluptuous Diva
Voluptuous Diva Diaries is a newsletter sponsored by Voluptuous Diva, Inc.
We are an online social network, fashion design, and merchandising community
dedicated to the majority of American women.
Voluptuous Diva, Inc. was created so that my fellow Divas can
feel empowered, sexy, and inspired.
Joan White is the founder of Voluptuous Diva, Inc. and resides in
Winston-Salem, NC
Inside the Mind and Heart of a Man Part 7
5 NovRelationships and the Plus Size Woman
Inside the Mind and Heart of a Man (Part 7):
Your look matters
My sincere apologies to everyone for not finishing this series sooner. I have been busy these last few months launching my clothing line and now its finally here and available on line at Voluptuousdiva.com. This series of articles is designed to educate women on the inner workings of men. The information is from the book authored by Shuanti Feldham, which emphasizes the importance of eight revelations involving the mindset of men. To date, we have discussed six revelations. The first revelation was that men need to be respected more than they need to be loved. The second revelation was that men are insecure. Despite a man’s “in-control” exterior, men often feel like impostors. The third revelation is that men have a driving need to be providers, which validates their love for their families and justifies their abilities to succeed as men. The fourth revelation was that men want more sex. Having sex is a method of displaying love and acceptance by his wife, and fills a deep emotional void within. The fifth, men are visual creatures and just because they are looking does not mean they are lusting, or not in love with their wives or significant others. Men keep a mental roladex of images that are recalled involuntarily and can be triggered by another image they see. The sixth is that men are actually romantic and love and desire to be romantic with the one they love.
Revelation 7: “Men care about how we look”
This is probably one of the single most important facts about men that women need to know (even more important than sex, YES). The bottom line is ladies, men care about how we look. “Your man doesn’t need you to be a size 3, but he does need you to make the effort to take care of yourself for him and he’s willing to help.” The effort we put into our appearance is extremely important to him. Men are visual creatures so it is not unreasonable to assume that men would care about our outward appearance. Being out of shape and looking ragged doesn’t just affect you it affects him as well. The bible tells us that the woman is the glory of the man. This means that our actions are a direct reflection on him, good, bad or indifferent. Men aren’t as concerned with size as they are with the fact that we should care about ourselves, especially when we let ourselves go and no longer care about how we look. What affects our self-worth affects the man we love. They just want to see us care about ourselves and this shows we care about them.
Women are too sensitive about their bodies
Ladies lets face it, we are too sensitive and self-conscious about our bodies. We must learn to accept ourselves for who we are and stopping judging ourselves so harshly. Almost every man cares if his wife or significant other is out of shape and doesn’t make an effort to change. When surveyed 7 out of 10 men indicated that would be emotionally bothered if the woman in their lives let herself go and didn’t make an effort to do something about it. Our efforts matter the most. Most men are not concerned with the fact that we look like we did when they first met us, they are more concerned that we keeping ourselves together at the present. We as women must learn to love ourselves for who we are yes but we must exhibit such by making a daily effort to look presentable and well groomed. This means we fix our hair, wear clothing that compliments us, wear a little make up, a nice pair of earrings and shoes and yes perfume. We as women often can take for granted that because our husband or partner has pledge their faithfulness to us that only what is on the inside counts and the outside does not matter. But this could be further from the truth the outside does matter and when we as women stop caring the men in our lives feel hurt and disrespected.
So why does it matter so much
Because men are visual, when they see us make the effort to look good it makes them feel we care and in turn they feel loved. When our man puts forth a romantic effort to create something special for us we don’t care if the evening is not perfect, we are just glad for the effort and it means the world to us. This is the same way our man feels when we make an effort concerning our looks, it is a total turn-on. Therefore, just like when a man does not care about romance and is neglectful we feel unloved and unvalued; the same feelings are felt when as women stop caring about our appearance. Men desire to keep their attention on us and in this day and time with the way women dress and our sexually image driven society this can be quite a challenge. Keeping up our appearance makes that issue easier as we continue to make ourselves look good.
Men want to be proud of their wives or mates. The wife he has is just as much a part of his competitive nature as his house, and kids. Every man wants other men to think he did well in this regard and doing our part to look nice makes that possible. Most men are sensitive to this subject because they know we are sensitive about it also.
So what is a Woman to do
We must first recognize that we need to make some changes. If we are not happy with ourselves, we can be assured our man is not either. The good news is that our man wants to help us change and is prepared to do whatever is necessary to help us be successful in that regard. There is so much information designed to help us be successful in weight loss and exercise it is up to you to find what works for you. Lastly, God is waiting to help us. I know from personal experience that when I rely upon God’s strength and not my own I am so successful at whatever I set out to do and weight loss is no different. I admonish each woman reading this blog today to look honestly within herself and determine whether or not this is an issue she needs to address. If you are guilty repent to God and then if needed repent to your husband or partner. Then begin with a new mindset and heart to make changes for the better trusting God you will get there along the way
In loving kindness his bondservant
Joan White
Voluptuous Diva
Inside the Heart and Mind of a Man Part 6
15 OctRelationships and the Plus Size Woman
Inside the Mind and Heart of a Man (Part 6):
Men are Actually Romantic
This series of articles is designed to educate women on the inner workings of men. The information is from the book authored by Shuanti Feldham, which emphasizes the importance of seven revelations involving the mindset of men. To date, we have discussed five revelations. The first revelation was that men need to be respected more than they need to be loved. The second revelation was that men are insecure. Despite a man’s “in-control” exterior, men often feel like impostors. The third revelation is that men have a driving need to be providers, which validates their love for their families and justifies their abilities to succeed as men. The fourth revelation was that men want more sex. Having sex is a method of displaying love and acceptance by his wife, and fills a deep emotional void within. The fifth, men are visual creatures and just because they are looking does not mean they are lusting, or not in love with their wives or significant others. Men keep a mental roladex of images that are recalled involuntarily and can be triggered by another image they see.
Revelation 6: “Men are Actually Romantic”
What is really in the minds of men regarding romance? Do they really think it is a waste of time or is it just a means to an end to get sex? Women we may not realize it but men want and enjoy romance but sometimes find different things romantic than we do and are fearful over the fact they may not be good at executing a romantic interlude. When surveyed men are secret romantics and most want more romance in their lives. What’s even more amazing is that they want romance apart from sex. Believe it or not, men long for the same connections, togetherness, fun and intimacy that we do. The survey found that 84% of men desire romance. This held true regardless of age, race, married or single.
So why don’t men initiate more romance in the relationship. Most men fall into two categories regarding romance, internal hesitation or gender gap. When surveyed however 88% of men believe they have the ability to plan a romantic evening for their spouse or significant other but half are not confident they would do it well. What do I mean by internal hesitation? Men are scared to death of being humiliated or appearing incompetent in front of anyone, especially the woman he loves. Men are haunted by romantic failures of the past. If you tease a man or criticize him for his romantic efforts be prepared for him to not be to willing to do it again. Lastly, please understand that his lack of romance is not always personal. It is difficult for a man to change gears from work to the home. Men need personal space after working all day to wind down so that he can transition and give his attention to his family.
The gender gap in the definition of romance is that men view romance differently. First, playing together is very romantic, men like playing with their wives or significant other, it makes them feel close and provides a chance to be intimate and focus on each other. Men want to go out and do things together with us. As one man said, “Men don’t want to abandon their wives to do guy things. They want to do guy things with their wife.” A woman who has fun with her man is incredibly attractive. Second, romance without sex may not feel complete. Most men are romantic with an end in mind not for selfish reason but remember sex is their way of feeling emotionally connected. Your man wants romance not to manipulate you sexually but to connect with the one he loves after a hard day at the office and escape the pressures of life.
So what is a woman to do
By now it should be dawning on you just how much power we have as women. So what do we do, we encourage and affirm him. Tell him how great he is and how much you appreciate what he does even when the efforts do not go as expected. Keep it fresh by giving him something to pursue, recognize his need for space as well as intimate attention. Bottom line, make yourself the type of friend and lover he constantly wants to pursue. Help him understand what is so important to you. Lastly, keep him number one. So often we put things before our spouse, the kids, the job, family. He needs to know he is a priority this makes him feel valued, loved and respected in our lives.
In loving kindness his bondservant
Joan White
Voluptuous Diva
Inside the Heart and Mind of a Man Part 5
1 OctRelationships and the Plus Size Woman
Inside the Mind and Heart of a Man (Part 5):
Men are Visual
This series of articles is designed to educate women on the inner workings of men. The information is from the book authored by Shuanti Feldham, which emphasizes the importance of seven revelations involving the mindset of men. To date, we have discussed four revelations. The first revelation was that men need to be respected more than they need to be loved. The second revelation was that men are insecure. Despite a man’s “in-control” exterior, men often feel like impostors. The third revelation is that men have a driving need to be providers, which validates their love for their families and justifies their abilities to succeed as men. The fourth revelation was that men want more sex. Having sex is a method of displaying love and acceptance by his wife, and fills a deep emotional void within.
Revelation 5: “Men are Visual”
Often we as women ask ourselves this question, “Why is it so natural for him to look, and so hard to forget what he has seen?” I truly believe this revelation is probably one of this most important out all the seven. Grasping this information will drastically help you understand the mind of a man. I can truly say I have a renewed respect for men, and more consciousness of how I conduct myself and dress in their presence.
Even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of other women.
Upon reading this revelation there are two factors that come to light. First, a woman with a great body is extremely difficult to avoid gazing or fixating attention for men. Even if he manages not to look, he is aware of her presence. Second, men have a mental “Rolodex” of stored pictures in their heads that can invade their thoughts without notice or can be summoned at will. Women need to understand that this condition is a hard wired compulsion, and has very little to do with we as women not being who they want or love.
1. A man can’t help but look: When surveyed, 98% of men, whether single or happily married, admitted they could not help but look or be aware of an attractive women’s body. Men are drawn to look even when they make an effort to avoid looking. It is not personal. He is not flirting. He has no interest in getting to know the woman. It is an internal drive that is automatic.
2. A man has a mental Rolodex of sensual images: Unfortunately, today’s sexually charged society does not make this fact any easier. When surveyed, 87% of men admitted to having a mental database of images or pictures stored in their brains. These pictures or images are not all about sexual acts or of their wives, but from any type of intimate moment, a Playboy magazine hottie, a Victoria’s Secret model, the Fruit of the Loom women on the underwear commercial, etc. These images can come across without notice, retrieved at will, or triggered by something he sees.
Men admit that sensual images or thoughts bombard them all the time. Men explained it like this, as teenagers they routinely dealt with involuntary images every few hours, and could spend as much as a half hour focused on a given image. This process can be the same for a man in his twenties. Once he reaches his thirties and forties, he is a little more settled but the images are still triggered and can be difficult to discard.
We have to remember this information in a non-judgmental manner. Just because a man is tempted with these images does not mean he is sinning. Temptations are not sins (The bible states that “Jesus was tempted in every way”). It is what men do with those images that becomes the real issue. Women need to note that these thoughts arise automatically, and most times are unintentional and involuntary. A man’s brain automatically notices nice features on a woman without even realizing.
It is also automatic that when these images come to mind, they can be accompanied with a rush of sexual pleasure. It is up to the man to suppress the urge to act on these thoughts, or linger on them when they arise. Men do have control over whether or not they dwell on the images that arise in their minds. This takes great strength on the part of our man. As women, we must understand and support them as they struggle with this issue, by not being defensive and not taking this struggle as a personal indictment to our relationship.
Be reassured ladies that his temptation is not primarily about sex. Know that every man is different and it is not because of us or that something is wrong with us that he has this issue. Also know, that his struggle with this issue does not change his feelings for us.
So what are we as Women to Do?
Pray for him, and for the both of you as a couple. Check our hearts, be willing to support him with empathy, and determine how involved we want to become in his accountability process. I truly believe men need to be accountable to other men regarding this issue, as it can be difficult for some women to handle. We need to be a support to them, let them know we understand their issue, and that we are open to communicating about it if they need to talk. We must be open and non-judgmental so that we do not hurt their self-esteem. Lastly, we as women must become aware of how we present ourselves to our men, thereby ensuring we are not contributing unknowingly to this issue.
Please comment, share and like this article. your input is very important to us
For special request, concerns or questions send your emails to voluptuousdiva@getresponse.com
Inside the Heart and Mind of a Man Part 3
20 AugRelationships and the Plus Size Woman
Inside the Mind and Heart of a Man (Part 3):
Men are Providers
We continue to learn from author Shuanti Feldham, the importance of seven revelations involving the mindset of men. The first revelation was that men need to be respected more than they need to be loved. The second revelation was that men are insecure. Despite a man’s “in-control” exterior, men often feel like impostors. These feelings of insecurity and the belief that their inadequacies will be discovered often leave them discredited and vulnerable to the world.
Revelation 3 “Men are Providers”
“Even if we as women make enough income to support
our family’s lifestyle, it would make no difference to the mental
burden our husband or man feels to provide for those he loves.”
One of the greatest mental burdens that men face is the internal need to provide for their family. What we as women need to understand is that our ability to contribute to the financial needs of the household is not the issue. Most men, when surveyed, appreciated the fact that their wives contribute financially, but state it is not relevant to their need to be a provider. For most men, the drive to provide is so deeply rooted almost nothing can relieve their feeling of duty. It is an obsession much like a women’s obsession about body insecurity (“I wish I was thinner!”)
Providing is at the core of a man’s identity
1. A man feels this driving need all the time – The need to provide, for most men, is constant and never goes away. When surveyed, 71% of men said the need to provide is always or often on their minds.
2. Being a provider is at the core of a man’s identity – Men have an instinctive nature to provide, feel powerful when they are providing, and desire deeply to feel depended on by the recipients of what they provide.
3. Providing is a primary way to say “I love you.” – For a man, bringing home a paycheck is pure love talk. This act reinforces his need to prove that he can take care of you, and allows him to show he is worthy of his woman. In his mind it is the central way he expresses his love. Men worry about providing so that the woman does not have this concern.
This is why men work such long hours. In a man’s mind, working long hours equates to saying I love you. When we as woman complain, men find this confusing and distressing. Why, because most men work as much as they do because it is their way of sacrificing for their wives and family out of love.
Most men combine the desire to provide with a strong internal desire to succeed in the workplace. However, where men can come up short is failing to provide a balance between work and maintaining a strong home relationship.
4. Providing carries an ongoing risk of failure – The area of providing is where most men experience the ongoing risk of failure. The Apostle Paul wrote that a man who doesn’t provide for his family is worse than an infidel. This statement is believed by many men as an accurate internal reflection of the angst a man feels when he is unable to provide for those he loves.
Among the men surveyed, 61% felt unappreciated at work, constantly worried about being laid off, business declines, and failing at work, which would inhibit their ability to provide. They equated this failure to the pain of skin being flayed off their bodies. We as women need to be sensitive to the fact that any time a man’s family has to adjust their lifestyle to the point where the needs of the family suffers, then a man suffers emotional torture inside.
5. Providers can feel trapped – Men constantly war with the internal need to provide, be depended on, and the feelings of being trapped by that responsibility. What frustrates men is when we as women don’t understand that they believe working long hours is their only option for getting ahead. This is especially true when men feel we place them under pressure to provide for us materially, and when we complain. When surveyed, 82% of men admitted that if they did not work hard they would be letting their families and organizations down, and also added they hated being away from their families as much but felt they had no other option.
6. Providing means earning enough for both present and future – Men focus on providing not only for the present but also for the future. So men stress about not only being able to pay for college for the kids, but also for retirement. When many men reach the age of retirement, they feel emotionally inadequate once the career part of their life disappears because a large part of their identity is wrapped up in their ability to provide and their careers. Therefore, in retirement years many men struggle with receiving pensions and retirement without going to work, and will find themselves struggling with depression in their golden years. Older women take special note to that information.
So How Do We as Women Need to Respond
We as women must face the fact that our mates feel caught, with few options, feeling “he has to be the provider”. When we understand this issue, we must strive to no longer view many of our husband’s decisions concerning his job and career as weak or non-productive, but recognize he is doing what is necessary to meet the financial needs of his family.
We as women should understand this even though we may not always agree. As partners, we should be willing to help relieve the pressure by not complaining, make financial adjustments in our own spending habits, believe in our man, and offer to work with him to address the financial issues in the home. Women need to realize the seriousness of the financial situation and be willing to adjust spending accordingly.
Remember women, a man will internalize your disappointment as his personal failure to provide. Encourage and appreciate him regularly for providing, and offer to help relieve the pressure they feel instead of adding to the matter. In doing so, our men will feel a sense of self worth and work hard to provide the best life possible for his family.
Join The Revolution Click Here
Voluptuous Diva Diaries is a newsletter sponsored by Voluptuous Diva, Inc.
We are an online social network, fashion design, and merchandising community
dedicated to the majority of American women.
Voluptuous Diva, Inc. was created so that my fellow Divas can
feel empowered, sexy, and inspired.
Joan White is the founder of Voluptuous Diva, Inc. and resides in Winston-Salem, NC
Inside the Heart and Mind of a Man Part 2
23 JulDating and the Plus Size Woman
Inside the Mind and Heart of the Man Part 2 – Men are Insecure
Voluptuous Diva is an inspirational motivational speaker, blogger and radio personality, fashion designer and merchandiser. My goal is to inspire plus size women to feel empowered sexy and valued.
I am so excited to continue with the relationship series for plus size woman called “Inside the Mind and Heart of a Man.”
As in the first article we learned from the author Shuanti Feldham the importance of seven revelations involving the mindset of men and in order to give me what they need we must learn them. The first one is men need to be respected more than they need to be loved. I never realized how important respect was to men until I read this chapter. This revelation is very detailed from not telling them what to do, not treating them as children, trusting their judgment, watching how we talk to them, not criticizing them in front of others and not criticizing them behind their backs. When we show unconditional respect to the men we love we empower them to take on the world and ensure they will meet our needs as well.
Revelation No. 2 “Men are Insecure”
I never knew that Mr. Smooth looks so impressive on the outside but feels like an impostor on the inside. Despite their in control exterior men often feel like impostors and are insecure that their inadequacies will be discovered.
Men have a hidden secret that is hard for them to admit to anyone and that is they each have a deep inner uncertainty which renders even the most confident of men helpless and vulnerable. When surveyed men admitted that no matter the level of success that the majority of men feel some degree of insecurity about themselves and abilities and the opinions of others matter. Men are vulnerable internally especially when they don’t have clear direction in what they are doing and often believe on the verge of being exposed. The very idea of someone especially his woman thinking he can’t cut it is the ultimate humiliation and it is one they strive to avoid at all cost.
There are several factors that drive this internal force within the man we love:
1. Men feel they are always being judged-Men feel the pressure of the world on the shoulders all the time. Men surveyed admitted that they think about what others think of them all the time. Men of color are especially affected by this mindset in that our society as a whole places extra stereotypes and double standards on men of color. Our media has done a very good job of showing a black either slam dunken his way out of poverty, shooting each other down in cold blood in the hood, strung out on drugs or being led away in handcuffs off to prison. It is understandable that men of color feel tremendous pressure about being judged by society and the communities in which they live.
2. Men feel they have no earthly idea how to do something- There is a deep seated vulnerability in every man that when doing something new and unfamiliar that he will fail and look incompetent. Even though he may appear confident and knowledgeable on the outside inside he is scared and often afraid that this inner secret will expose him and he will appear as a failure in front of his peers and family. This fear was not only in young emerging professionals but seasoned establish professionals as well.
3. Men really want to do challenged to do something new-Coupled with the vulnerability of being found incapable is the driving desire to want to accomplish and take on something new and adventurous. At first I thought this rather strange but I have come to understand that men are conquerors so the challenge of the unknown mixed with the excitement of potential failure is a driving force behind all men. It is during these times that men feel the most vulnerable and need our encouragement the most.
4. Men feel like impostors in the workplace-a man’s greatest battle with inadequacy takes place on his job. Today’s workplace is a stressful competitive environment for both men and women. So it is not unreasonable to understand that the vulnerability of inadequacy would move over into the workplace as well.
5. Men are constantly fearful of being replaced-Men live with a never ending internal fear that because they are not good enough they will fail and be replaced. It is this same fear that drives them to get out of bed in the morning.
6. Men feel like impostors in their own homes-Men feel just as insecure at home as well as in the workplace. Men truly desire to be good husbands but worry that don’t know how to succeed at doing so. Men judge themselves and feel the women in their lives judge them based on the happiness and respect they receive from them. No man feels he has all the answers on being a good husband or father. We as women need to be especially sensitive to this need in the men in our lives. We need to realize every time we express displeasure with their decisions we are reinforcing this inner issue.
So what do we as women do?
Affirmation is everything-flattery is everything and is one of the most affective ways to affirm a man. When we affirm the man we love we empower him to conquer the world. Men deliberately seek out places to be affirmed. When affirmation is absent a man feels void of confidence and often his feelings of manhood. At home is the most important place for a man to be affirmed. When men know the women in their lives believe in them, they can conquer the world.
Don’t tear him down- Women need to be careful and not reinforce her man’s feelings of inadequacy because it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When surveyed 44% of men felt unappreciated at home. This percentage was especially high among men between the ages of thirty-six and fifty-five.
Please know ladies, if he is not getting affirmation at home he will seek it elsewhere. So we must convince the men in our lives that they are the greatest. The lack of affirmation in a man’s life is a major reason men slip into pornography because looking at that picture makes him feel like a man and provides a false sense of escape. Therefore women I cannot admonish you enough to create a loving affirming home for the men you love.
Women need to create an atmosphere at home that allows men to make mistakes in peace and not have to worry about being exposed. We do this by not being critical and watching our words and mannerisms ensuring we are affirming and respectful. Men need a retreat from the daily pressure of always having to perform.
Support him sexually-Sex plays a huge role in a man’s self confidence. A wife’s who desires her husband physically and affirms him in bed empowers him to take on the world. A great sex life gives a man strength to overcome the inner feelings of the impostor that he battles.
In summary, men want us to know that they need us to want them despite their weaknesses, failings, and short-comings. They desire us to be their number one source of encouragement to become the man God created them to be. It’s about sending the man we love into the world every day alive with the belief that he can conquer the world. We do this by building his self confidence to do the impossible.
Voluptuous Diva Diaries is a newsletter sponsored by Voluptuous Diva, Inc. We are an online social network, fashion design, and merchandising community dedicated to the majority of American women. Voluptuous Diva, Inc. was created so that my fellow Divas can feel empowered, sexy, and inspired. Minister Joan White is the founder of Voluptuous Diva, Inc. and resides in Winston-Salem, NC
Defining Moments: The Testimony
30 AprOver the years I have had several defining moments that have had a significant impact on how I view myself. I have come to realize that we live in a world that tries to define who we are and what we do and what we shall become, whether we realize it or not. One of the greatest revelations for me was realizing that who I am, and whose I am, does not lie within the world system, but in something far greater.
You see, my self-esteem and self-worth for years were tied to things that although powerful and seemingly legitimate at the time were not the real truth of who I was. And it wasn’t until 1999 that I had a powerful, life-changing epiphany about who and whose I am.
Background: (As I write I hold back the tears) I grew up a preacher’s kid. My father was an AME Pastor and my mother a faithful Pastor’s wife. Until I was 13, I was a fairly fit kid, but hitting puberty changed all that. When you couple that with the stress of a household that was going through a turbulent divorce, what developed in my life was emotional eating and constant weight fluctuations. So began my obesity journey … the yo-yo dieting and criticism from those closest to me about my weight, and the emotional binge eating that still plagues me to this day.
Although I grew up a preacher’s kid and received Christ into my heart at age 12, it wasn’t until I was 30 that I received an epiphany that completely change my self consciousness about my body image.
Let me explain. All my life because of my size I was made to feel inadequate. I was told by loved ones well into my adult years that my life would never amount to anything great because I was fat. In my teen years I did not date as much as my friends and I was told the reason was that boys don’t like fat girls (at the time I was only a size 14-16). From that moment, I internalized that I was un-dateable and un-loveable to a man because I was fat.
Over the next several years whenever a guy showed any interest in me, I was overly anxious and too accommodating because in my mind he had to be a rare and special individual for looking beyond my ugly outside and wanting to date me. (Thank you, Oh God, for deliverance.)
Unfortunately for me, this definition lead to decades of poor self-esteem, years of depression, very poor relationship choices, severe emotionally scaring, and in my late teenage years (17-19 years of age) being preyed upon sexually by men old enough to be my father.
Throughout my mid- and late-20s, I was at my lowest point: no car, living at home with my mom, mediocre jobs, defeated in my mind, and deeply hurting within my soul because I truly believed that I could not be loved because I was fat. I could not be successful because I was fat. I could not be married (like all my closest friends) because I was fat. I could not get a good job because I was fat. I could not have children because I was fat. I was ugly because I was fat. God loved me but could not use me to my fullest potential because I was fat.
One of my greatest regrets was that I did not finish college and get my degree at 22. I was so ashamed that I hid it from everyone but my mom and brother for years. But at age 30, I had the opportunity to go back to my original college and finish what I started.
One evening as I was lying in bed in the dormitory; I began to cry and feel sorry for myself. I said to God, “If You could just help me lose the weight, my life would change for the better; then I could be beautiful and have great success.”
I remember hearing God clearly say to me, “Joan, when did I ever say that about you? I have never said that about you. Where is that even in My Word? You are fearfully and wonderfully made. And if you will grasp what I am saying to you and turn to me, I will fulfill every great thing in you. My love is not based upon your size; it is unconditional because of who I am. I have called you to greatness; your size is not your definition.”
Instantly, I was set free. Instantly, I was made whole, and I began to walk with greater confidence, peace, and purpose, knowing what had held me in a prison without bars all my life could hold me no longer. God dealt with me about forgiving those that had told me I was inadequate, joked in fun about my size, and looked down and thought less of me because I was a big girl. Their opinion was not my definition.
With that new found mindset of peace and hope, I finished my degree and six months later moved to Washington, DC. There I landed a wonderful job, qualified to buy a house, got into graduate school, and developed into a wonderful voluptuous woman destined for Godly purpose. I lived there for four and a half years then moved back home to Winston-Salem, and together with my family, started our first company. We opened a healthcare company that provides services to adults with developmental disabilities, and it has been going strong for seven years.
I made my first million fat; I bought my first home fat; I am a well-respected business woman fat; I have been able to travel around the world fat. And I am honored to tell you one of my most important epitaphs: “Fabulous And Thick”.
I do not deny the responsibility I have to my health and weight and work daily to be a healthier me. However, I refused to allow being plus-sized to stop me from being a better me either. Never let anyone or anything define who you are or limit your potential in any way. Their opinion is not your definition and neither is your size.
To God Be the Glory; both Now and Forevermore.
Voluptuous Diva
Stay Blessed and Continue to Re-Define Yourself
Join the Revolution and Define Yourself[J3] !
Voluptuous Diva Diaries is a newsletter sponsored by Voluptuous Diva, Inc.
We are an online social network, fashion design, and merchandising community
dedicated to the majority of American women.
Voluptuous Diva, Inc. was created so that my fellow Divas can
feel empowered, sexy, and inspired.
Joan White is the founder of Voluptuous Diva, Inc. and resides in Winston-Salem, NC
Sign-up now and receive our semi-monthly newsletter and weekly blog via email
Defining Moments: Empower the Enjoli Within
16 AprI was sitting thinking earlier this morning about what to write about and the word Enjoli came to mind. Enjoli was the name of a popular perfume back in the 70s and 80s. The perfume had a jingle phrase that went like this: I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never let him forget he’s a man. Cause I’m a woman Enjoli. On the commercial would be this tall blonde hair blue eyed beauty and she would be in a fancy gown and acting sassy. 
So because it spoke to the empowerment of women, it was one of my favorite commercials growing up. What God has been revealing to me all morning is that it is time to awaken the Enjoli in me.
The Prophetess Deborah: A Story of Empowerment
So how does one define an Enjoli-if you base it upon the commercial she is a multifaceted, unstoppable, fierce, fiery, well rounded, confident and capable women. However let me tell you a story of empowerment!
One of the most outstanding examples of an Enjoli is Deborah in the bible. The word Deborah means Bee, feisty, fiery. Deborah was a Judge and prophetess in the pre-monarchy times of Israel, a woman among women. During that time Judges were always men and considered a leader or priest within the community who resided over military, government, and legal affairs. Judges were considered the equivalent to a chief or clan leader in their respective communities during this time.
What was interesting about Deborah was that she was a Judge merited within her own right and the title was not affiliated with her husband. Often times the title of chieftess was a ceremonial title given to a woman when her husband held the title of chief. The bible mentions her husband Lapidoth but did not mention him as having a title of authority within her community. Furthermore she was a woman who honored her husband and managed her household and husbands affairs with great efficiency.
She was the perfect example of a biblical Enjoli. She managed her home, honored her husband, and was a pillar of respect within her community. The bible further goes on to state that she was so revered that the current day army of Israel would not go into battle without her and in doing so triumphed victorious over the enemy of that time. Deborah reigned as a Judge for over 40 years and peace rested over Israel during this time. A true testament to the empowerment of women.
I asked God what was the purpose of this story and how it related to today’s modern day women and myself. I like so many are called to have just as great an impact on the world. Inside of each of us is the power of the Enjoli we just need to know how to awaken it. It does not matter if we are plus size or skinny, short or tall, black, white, or green. Each of us has the unlimited potential to be the wife, mother, and entrepreneur, the Enjoli.
Empower the Enjoli
So I asked God how do I Empower the Enjoli within. And he told me some things about my self I needed to change.
1. Stop being fearful- I’m talking about in little areas where we are not as comfortable or competent. But they represent areas which hinder our development and growth to the next level of our lives. They are the fears and apprehensions we easily dismiss and overlook.
2. Cease procrastination-procrastination is like a poison that slowly kills the brightest of visions. Time waits for no man and we can never get it back once it is gone. Procrastination will have you standing still in a time loop that you can look around and find years wasted and not even realize how it even happened.
3. Be more persistent and consistent in all things- I am notorious for starting and stopping things all the time. Long-term persistence and consistence is the key to long-term success.
4. Stop sabotaging behavior by changing behavior patterns. I can’t tell you how many times I was depressed about losing weight but still would eat the things I shouldn’t.
5. Daily set goals to be a better me. Write down my long and short-term goals and work daily on actions that will bring them to past.
6. Lastly, but definitely not least. Connect spiritually to God by daily spending time with him. Tapping into the spirit ties everything together.
Putting these principles in place and continued practice will guarantee we hit the mark every time, empowerment!
My Empowerment Moment!
Here’s what can be done when you say you can!!
To God Be the Glory; both Now and Forevermore.
Voluptuous Diva
Stay Blessed and Continue to Re-Define Yourself
Voluptuous Diva Diaries is a newsletter sponsored by Voluptuous Diva, Inc.
We are an online social network, fashion design, and merchandising community
dedicated to the majority of American women.
Voluptuous Diva, Inc. was created so that my fellow Divas can
feel empowered, sexy, and valued.
Minister Joan White is the founder of Voluptuous Diva, Inc. and resides in Winston-Salem, NC
I’m a Survivor
19 FebDeep within me, there is a knowing that floods my soul; that at my deepest, darkest hour of despair, I am compelled to keep going. It tells me I am not alone, and everything—regardless of how it looks—will be all right.
It is at those moments that I realize I am being carried by a strength not my own, a wind that propels me, even without my realizing it.
King David states many times throughout the book of Psalms that in his darkest hours, God came and comforted him, and provided him with the strength to endure. Over the last few years of my life, I have come into the realization of those scriptures like never before, and I thank Him.
I look back over some of the trials and tribulations in my life and realize they have provided me with even more significant triumphs. They may not have seemed that way at the time, however, looking back over them in hindsight, I realize they were not just trials and tribulations, but opportunities for growth in my character and my faith.
They were chances for me to change for the better, to learn to think differently in times of crisis, and they were opportunities for me to be repositioned for a greater destiny and purpose.
Over the last three years, several different trials and tribulations come to mind. I think on them and realize I am very humbled and grateful. I have gone into $2 million dollars worth of foreclosure debt from a failing business (we were about to lose everything—houses, cars, commercial property) only to see God bring me and my family out without losing anything. I learned that no matter how hopeless it seems, God is bigger than my financial circumstances.
I learned to turn those circumstances over to Him and to trust Him in my darkest hour.
My faith grew by leaps and bounds that year as He brought my family back to financial stability.
I learned that sometimes He has to literally snatch from us something that is no longer beneficial to us in order to give us what we really need. That was the case in 2011, when our bank allowed our second mortgage holder to foreclose on our commercial property, after we had struggled to bring it out of foreclosure a year earlier. It is a very rare occurrence for a 1st lien holder to allow a 2nd lien holder to foreclose on a property. But, God had another plan; we had outgrown that building and needed more space. Plus, the property was old and the maintenance was becoming quite costly. God removed that financial burden from us, and we were able to get another building that was much bigger and cheaper than what we had. In the end, we owed a $467,000 first mortgage that was paid off when the property was sold, and we were released, debt free, from the property, without having to do anything.
I learned that God is working on my behalf, even when I don’t realize it, and He can resolve an issue without my having to lift a finger.
The bank sent us the deed in the mail, stamped “Paid in Full” and we did not even know it was coming.
I learned that He will fight my battles if I hold my peace and remain steadfast. My company had an unfair audit that resulted in a crazy re-payment request from Medicaid in the amount of $439,000. We fought for two years, and finally hired an attorney. The attorney fought on our behalf for over 6 months, and, finally, he called us and said the amount had been reduced to $4,166.25. He said the attorney for the state dropped the charges and requested payment only for the events originally reviewed in the initial audit. Once the amount was paid, the audit and the entire issue would be resolved permanently. Only God can reduce a debt by over $435,000 without the attorney even having to do anything.
I learned that God is the greatest defense in the midst of a battle, and as long as He is on my side, I am the righteousness that will never be forsaken, and the seed that will never beg for bread.
I learned that God will remove a burden from you at your most stressful moment in order to reposition you for the greater blessing that is to come. Even when the situation looks unjust and hopeless, His mercy is sufficient, and His wisdom and truth endure forever. I learned that in the mist of a mighty tribulation, there is peace, and that the content of your character and integrity determine the success of your outcome.
I had that revelation this year when the state unfairly decided not to renew my business contract for the Medicaid services. They gave me four days to discontinue doing business, with no regard for the people I served, or my staff, who depended on my business to feed their families. My livelihood of 8 years—gone; hundreds of thousands of dollars in income—gone. At first, I was very distraught, and I felt defeated. I began to despair as if all was lost, but I talked with a colleague of mine who helped me realize that was far from the truth.
As I began to pray and consult the Lord, He told me, “I am removing this burden from you, so you can be free.”
The truth is, I hated that business; I was tired, burnt out and the business was struggling financially. A new vision had been burning in my spirit for two years, but I had no time to pursue it. The loss of that business gave me back my peace, my home, the time I needed to grow closer to God so that He could work on me, and time to work on the vision that now drove my passion. The day the business closed, I called a friend of mine and screamed, cried and thanked God for 30 minutes that the burden had finally been lifted.
A wave of peace swept over my body, and God told me He would work everything out for my family’s good, and I believed Him.
It was the first time in 8 years that I felt unrestrained and at total peace. God brought my family out of that circumstance as independent contractors able to sustain ourselves financially, with none of the stress, expense, and responsibilities of the business ownership. Only the Lord can do that.
In closing, I say unto you that no matter what trials and tribulations come your way, know that God is in the midst, waiting to give us peace, waiting to give us guidance, waiting to reposition us for something better, and waiting to show Himself sovereign. Know that what comes is coming in order to develop us into wiser, stronger people, and usher us to the next level of blessings, purpose, and destiny, for a greater life.
Your humble bondservant,
Voluptuous Diva
Voluptuous Diva Diaries is a newsletter sponsored by Voluptuous Diva, Inc.
Our Mission:
To inspire Normal Size Women to be better Me’s through thought provoking social media and by creating vintage inspired fashions that re-define, revolutionize, and inspire the plus size woman. Beautiful. Strong. Voluptuous women who are the majority, the norm.
Our Vision:
For all voluptuous women to feel empowered, sexy, and valued
Joan White is the founder of Voluptuous Diva, Inc. and resides in Winston-Salem, NC
Sign-up now and receive our semi-monthly newsletter and blog via email.
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