Tag Archives: Motivation

Inside the Heart and Mind of a Man Part 6

15 Oct

Relationships and the Plus Size Woman

Inside the Mind and Heart of a Man (Part 6):

Men are Actually Romantic

 This series of articles is designed to educate women on the inner workings of men. The information is from the book authored by Shuanti Feldham, which emphasizes the importance of seven revelations involving the mindset of men. To date, we have discussed five revelations. The first revelation was that men need to be respected more than they need to be loved. The second revelation was that men are insecure. Despite a man’s “in-control” exterior, men often feel like impostors. The third revelation is that men have a driving need to be providers, which validates their love for their families and justifies their abilities to succeed as men. The fourth revelation was that men want more sex. Having sex is a method of displaying love and acceptance by his wife, and fills a deep emotional void within. The fifth, men are visual creatures and just because they are looking does not mean they are lusting, or not in love with their wives or significant others. Men keep a mental roladex of images that are recalled involuntarily and can be triggered by another image they see.

Revelation 6: “Men are Actually Romantic”

What is really in the minds of men regarding romance? Do they really think it is a waste of time or is it just a means to an end to get sex? Women we may not realize it but men want and enjoy romance but sometimes find different things romantic than we do and are fearful over the fact they may not be good at executing a romantic interlude. When surveyed men are secret romantics and most want more romance in their lives. What’s even more amazing is that they want romance apart from sex. Believe it or not, men long for the same connections, togetherness, fun and intimacy that we do. The survey found that 84% of men desire romance. This held true regardless of age, race, married or single.

So why don’t men initiate more romance in the relationship. Most men fall into two categories regarding romance, internal hesitation or gender gap. When surveyed however 88% of men believe they have the ability to plan a romantic evening for their spouse or significant other but half are not confident they would do it well. What do I mean by internal hesitation? Men are scared to death of being humiliated or appearing incompetent in front of anyone, especially the woman he loves. Men are haunted by romantic failures of the past. If you tease a man or criticize him for his romantic efforts be prepared for him to not be to willing to do it again. Lastly, please understand that his lack of romance is not always personal. It is difficult for a man to change gears from work to the home. Men need personal space after working all day to wind down so that he can transition and give his attention to his family.

The gender gap in the definition of romance is that men view romance differently. First, playing together is very romantic, men like playing with their wives or significant other, it makes them feel close and provides a chance to be intimate and focus on each other. Men want to go out and do things together with us. As one man said, “Men don’t want to abandon their wives to do guy things. They want to do guy things with their wife.” A woman who has fun with her man is incredibly attractive. Second, romance without sex may not feel complete. Most men are romantic with an end in mind not for selfish reason but remember sex is their way of feeling emotionally connected. Your man wants romance not to manipulate you sexually but to connect with the one he loves after a hard day at the office and escape the pressures of life.

So what is a woman to do

By now it should be dawning on you just how much power we have as women. So what do we do, we encourage and affirm him. Tell him how great he is and how much you appreciate what he does even when the efforts do not go as expected. Keep it fresh by giving him something to pursue, recognize his need for space as well as intimate attention. Bottom line, make yourself the type of friend and lover he constantly wants to pursue. Help him understand what is so important to you. Lastly, keep him number one. So often we put things before our spouse, the kids, the job, family. He needs to know he is a priority this makes him feel valued, loved and respected in our lives.

In loving kindness his bondservant

 

Joan White

Voluptuous Diva

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Defining Moments: The Testimony

30 Apr

Over the years I have had several defining moments that have had a significant impact on how I view myself.  I have come to realize that we live in a world that tries to define who we are and what we do and what we shall become, whether we realize it or not. One of the greatest revelations for me was realizing that who I am, and whose I am, does not lie within the world system, but in something far greater.

You see, my self-esteem and self-worth for years were tied to things that although powerful and seemingly legitimate at the time were not the real truth of who I was. And it wasn’t until 1999 that I had a powerful, life-changing epiphany about who and whose I am.

Background: (As I write I hold back the tears) I grew up a preacher’s kid. My father was an AME Pastor and my mother a faithful Pastor’s wife. Until I was 13, I was a fairly fit kid, but hitting puberty changed all that. When you couple that with the stress of a household that was going through a turbulent divorce, what developed in my life was emotional eating and constant weight fluctuations. So began my obesity journey … the yo-yo dieting and criticism from those closest to me about my weight, and the emotional binge eating that still plagues me to this day.

Although I grew up a preacher’s kid and received Christ into my heart at age 12, it wasn’t until I was 30 that I received an epiphany that completely change my self consciousness about my body image.

Let me explain. All my life because of my size I was made to feel inadequate. I was told by loved ones well into my adult years that my life would never amount to anything great because I was fat. In my teen years I did not date as much as my friends and I was told the reason was that boys don’t like fat girls (at the time I was only a size 14-16).  From that moment, I internalized that I was un-dateable and un-loveable to a man because I was fat.

Over the next several years whenever a guy showed any interest in me, I was overly anxious and too accommodating because in my mind he had to be a rare and special individual for looking beyond my ugly outside and wanting to date me. (Thank you, Oh God, for deliverance.)

Unfortunately for me, this definition lead to decades of poor self-esteem, years of depression, very poor relationship choices, severe emotionally scaring, and in my late teenage years (17-19 years of age) being preyed upon sexually by men old enough to be my father.

Throughout my mid- and late-20s, I was at my lowest point: no car, living at home with my mom, mediocre jobs, defeated in my mind, and deeply hurting within my soul because I truly believed that I could not be loved because I was fat. I could not be successful because I was fat. I could not be married (like all my closest friends) because I was fat. I could not get a good job because I was fat.  I could not have children because I was fat. I was ugly because I was fat. God loved me but could not use me to my fullest potential because I was fat.

One of my greatest regrets was that I did not finish college and get my degree at 22.  I was so ashamed that I hid it from everyone but my mom and brother for years. But at age 30, I had the opportunity to go back to my original college and finish what I started.

One evening as I was lying in bed in the dormitory; I began to cry and feel sorry for myself. I said to God, “If You could just help me lose the weight, my life would change for the better; then I could be beautiful and have great success.”

I remember hearing God clearly say to me, “Joan, when did I ever say that about you? I have never said that about you. Where is that even in My Word? You are fearfully and wonderfully made. And if you will grasp what I am saying to you and turn to me, I will fulfill every great thing in you. My love is not based upon your size; it is unconditional because of who I am. I have called you to greatness; your size is not your definition.”

Instantly, I was set free. Instantly, I was made whole, and I began to walk with greater confidence, peace, and purpose, knowing what had held me in a prison without bars all my life could hold me no longer.  God dealt with me about forgiving those that had told me I was inadequate, joked in fun about my size, and looked down and thought less of me because I was a big girl. Their opinion was not my definition.

With that new found mindset of peace and hope, I finished my degree and six months later moved to Washington, DC.  There I landed a wonderful job, qualified to buy a house, got into graduate school, and developed into a wonderful voluptuous woman destined for Godly purpose. I lived there for four and a half years then moved back home to Winston-Salem, and together with my family, started our first company. We opened a healthcare company that provides services to adults with developmental disabilities, and it has been going strong for seven years.

I made my first million fat; I bought my first home fat; I am a well-respected business woman fat; I have been able to travel around the world fat. And I am honored to tell you one of my most important epitaphs: “Fabulous And Thick”.

I do not deny the responsibility I have to my health and weight and work daily to be a healthier me. However, I refused to allow being plus-sized to stop me from being a better me either. Never let anyone or anything define who you are or limit your potential in any way. Their opinion is not your definition and neither is your size.

To God Be the Glory; both Now and Forevermore.

Voluptuous Diva

Stay Blessed and Continue to Re-Define Yourself

Join the Revolution and Define Yourself[J3] !

 

Voluptuous Diva Diaries is a newsletter sponsored by Voluptuous Diva, Inc.

We are an online social network, fashion design, and merchandising community
dedicated to the majority of American women.

Voluptuous Diva, Inc. was created so that my fellow Divas can
feel empowered, sexy, and inspired.

Joan White is the founder of Voluptuous Diva, Inc. and resides in Winston-Salem, NC

Sign-up now and receive our semi-monthly newsletter and weekly blog via email

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Defining Moments: You Can Only Eat an Elephant One Bite at a Time

2 Apr

1 biteI have one of the best personal development coaches. Her name is Deborah Saunders-Carlton. She has helped me through so much over the past year. In my last session with her I expressed how this year has not gone according to plan. How I have not accomplished many of the goals I set-out for myself and I was feeling stagnant and discouraged. We talked about all I had been through a lot this year and truly I have overcome a great deal.

Earlier this year I lost my mental health business. The local management agency took it away within 4 days with no real explanation. I was devastated initially but I came to realize it was a real blessing. I am freer now than I have been in the last 8 years. I have more peace and God fixed it so that I could financially support myself to be able to pursue my passion which is blogging and inspiring others.

So I asked her why I have been so stagnant all these months. First of all she chastised me for not calling her sooner and remaining in that mind set all that time. Then she proceeded to tell me how I had a large vision with a lot of components and without a clear strategy I was overwhelmed and did not have a clear focus on what I needed to do. Then she made a profound statement “Girl you can only eat an elephant one bite at a time and even then you have to eat it in multiple place settings.” Of course I was blown away.

Timeline Solutions for Eating that Elephant!

As she and I began to talk we realized I had a vision whose time frame for initial fusion was roughly 15 months. So she suggested that I print out 15 calendar months and create a timeline that showed all the things I needed to do. Each task was to be represented in a different colored timeline and as I completed each task I was to highlight them and mark them completed on the calendar. She also taught me something a coach of hers taught her which was each day set a goal of 3 things to complete to further my business and improve upon my personal life. They were not to be things I should do routinely but tasks needed to further advance myself and business.

Final Thoughts!

don't stop believingLastly, I was encouraged to write down each of my vision objectives and detail under each one what was undone. As I did that, I should choose tasks daily from this information to accomplish daily to further my vision. Meaning at the end of 30 days I would accomplish 90 different things both personal and business. I was so blown away and excited. She also encouraged me to keep track of my accomplishments and celebrate them as wins to keep myself motivated.

I agreed and I am proud to say my momentum has improved my focus is better and I am accomplishing far more than I have earlier this year. I am truly excited about what is to come for the remainder of the year and the New Year to come.

I admonish each of your to write the vision down and make it plan, calendar you vision, detail your vision objectives and challenge yourself to accomplish something everyday, in doing so you will hit the mark every time.

To God Be the Glory; both Now and Forevermore.

Voluptuous Diva

Stay Blessed and Continue to Re-Define Yourself

Voluptuous Diva Diaries is a newsletter sponsored by Voluptuous Diva, Inc. We are an online social network, fashion design, and merchandising community dedicated to the majority of American women. Voluptuous Diva, Inc. was created so that my fellow Divas can feel empowered, sexy, and inspired.

Minister Joan White is the founder of Voluptuous Diva, Inc. and resides in Winston-Salem, NC

Sign-up now and receive our weekly blog via email.

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I’m a Survivor

19 Feb
As I look back over my life these past 3 years, I have come to realize that I am a survivor. I wonder how in the world I made it through the trials and tribulations I endured and still came out with my right mind. Truly, it is because of God that is inside of me.

Deep within me, there is a knowing that floods my soul; that at my deepest, darkest hour of despair, I am compelled to keep going. It tells me I am not alone, and everything—regardless of how it looks—will be all right.

It is at those moments that I realize I am being carried by a strength not my own, a wind that propels me, even without my realizing it.

King David states many times throughout the book of Psalms that in his darkest hours, God came and comforted him, and provided him with the strength to endure. Over the last few years of my life, I have come into the realization of those scriptures like never before, and I thank Him.

I look back over some of the trials and tribulations in my life and realize they have provided me with even more significant triumphs. They may not have seemed that way at the time, however, looking back over them in hindsight, I realize they were not just trials and tribulations, but opportunities for growth in my character and my faith.

They were chances for me to change for the better, to learn to think differently in times of crisis, and they were opportunities for me to be repositioned for a greater destiny and purpose.

Over the last three years, several different trials and tribulations come to mind. I think on them and realize I am very humbled and grateful. I have gone into $2 million dollars worth of foreclosure debt from a failing business (we were about to lose everything—houses, cars, commercial property) only to see God bring me and my family out without losing anything. I learned that no matter how hopeless it seems, God is bigger than my financial circumstances.

I learned to turn those circumstances over to Him and to trust Him in my darkest hour.

My faith grew by leaps and bounds that year as He brought my family back to financial stability.

I learned that sometimes He has to literally snatch from us something that is no longer beneficial to us in order to give us what we really need. That was the case in 2011, when our bank allowed our second mortgage holder to foreclose on our commercial property, after we had struggled to bring it out of foreclosure a year earlier. It is a very rare occurrence for a 1st lien holder to allow a 2nd lien holder to foreclose on a property. But, God had another plan; we had outgrown that building and needed more space. Plus, the property was old and the maintenance was becoming quite costly. God removed that financial burden from us, and we were able to get another building that was much bigger and cheaper than what we had. In the end, we owed a $467,000 first mortgage that was paid off when the property was sold, and we were released, debt free, from the property, without having to do anything.

I learned that God is working on my behalf, even when I don’t realize it, and He can resolve an issue without my having to lift a finger.

The bank sent us the deed in the mail, stamped “Paid in Full” and we did not even know it was coming.

I learned that He will fight my battles if I hold my peace and remain steadfast. My company had an unfair audit that resulted in a crazy re-payment request from Medicaid in the amount of $439,000. We fought for two years, and finally hired an attorney. The attorney fought on our behalf for over 6 months, and, finally, he called us and said the amount had been reduced to $4,166.25. He said the attorney for the state dropped the charges and requested payment only for the events originally reviewed in the initial audit. Once the amount was paid, the audit and the entire issue would be resolved permanently. Only God can reduce a debt by over $435,000 without the attorney even having to do anything.

I learned that God is the greatest defense in the midst of a battle, and as long as He is on my side, I am the righteousness that will never be forsaken, and the seed that will never beg for bread.

I learned that God will remove a burden from you at your most stressful moment in order to reposition you for the greater blessing that is to come. Even when the situation looks unjust and hopeless, His mercy is sufficient, and His wisdom and truth endure forever. I learned that in the mist of a mighty tribulation, there is peace, and that the content of your character and integrity determine the success of your outcome.

I had that revelation this year when the state unfairly decided not to renew my business contract for the Medicaid services. They gave me four days to discontinue doing business, with no regard for the people I served, or my staff, who depended on my business to feed their families. My livelihood of 8 years—gone; hundreds of thousands of dollars in income—gone. At first, I was very distraught, and I felt defeated. I began to despair as if all was lost, but I talked with a colleague of mine who helped me realize that was far from the truth.

As I began to pray and consult the Lord, He told me, “I am removing this burden from you, so you can be free.”

The truth is, I hated that business; I was tired, burnt out and the business was struggling financially. A new vision had been burning in my spirit for two years, but I had no time to pursue it. The loss of that business gave me back my peace, my home, the time I needed to grow closer to God so that He could work on me, and time to work on the vision that now drove my passion. The day the business closed, I called a friend of mine and screamed, cried and thanked God for 30 minutes that the burden had finally been lifted.

A wave of peace swept over my body, and God told me He would work everything out for my family’s good, and I believed Him.

It was the first time in 8 years that I felt unrestrained and at total peace. God brought my family out of that circumstance as independent contractors able to sustain ourselves financially, with none of the stress, expense, and responsibilities of the business ownership. Only the Lord can do that.

In closing, I say unto you that no matter what trials and tribulations come your way, know that God is in the midst, waiting to give us peace, waiting to give us guidance, waiting to reposition us for something better, and waiting to show Himself sovereign. Know that what comes is coming in order to develop us into wiser, stronger people, and usher us to the next level of blessings, purpose, and destiny, for a greater life.

Your humble bondservant,

Voluptuous Diva

 

Voluptuous Diva Diaries is a newsletter sponsored by Voluptuous Diva, Inc.

Our Mission:

To inspire Normal Size Women to be better Me’s through thought provoking social media and by creating vintage inspired fashions that re-define, revolutionize, and inspire the plus size woman. Beautiful. Strong. Voluptuous women who are the majority, the norm.

 

Our Vision:

For all voluptuous women to feel empowered, sexy, and valued

Joan White is the founder of Voluptuous Diva, Inc. and resides in Winston-Salem, NC

Sign-up now and receive our semi-monthly newsletter and blog via email.

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Dispelling Misconceptions

6 Feb

want to say as a plus size woman growing up in America, I know one thing for sure:

We live in a society that defines
plus size very negatively.

FACT: The Center for Disease Control considers 68% of American women overweight or obese.

However, the average woman is size 14-16, under 5’4” and pear shaped, which means the average woman looks like Oprah Winfrey. Yet fewer than 5% are of us are positively represented in media.

We are the norm and
the norm deserves to be
positively represented.

The media deceives American women into thinking super model/Hollywood bodies are norms, and if you are not that body type, you are abnormal, inadequate, and stupid. FACT: Super models are only ½ of 1% and the Hollywood bodies are less than 5% of the female population. We must wonder about a society that glorifies those who are so skinny that bones show through her skin and the price to be thin causes death by anorexia.

What message does this send to our daughters and young women who will never achieve this fleeting standard of beauty?

They deserve an empowering realistic example not the misguiding one that exist.

Time to make a change and
the plus size women are
the ones to do it.

FACT: Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. We live in a society with as vast a representation of women as colors in a kaleidoscope.

Some argue that being plus size is unhealthy. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that every woman has a responsibility for her own health. I am no exception; I am super-plus size woman. I admit it; I own it.

However, just because that is the case does not mean I am lazy, stupid, or do not care about myself. The only difference between my struggle and yours is the type of struggle.

Declare with me:

I refuse to be de-valued
because of society’s prejudices.

FACT: Plus size women are doctors, lawyers, nurses, mothers, hardworking, dedicated, and like myself entrepreneurs and employers of industry. We are educated, strong, determined, passionate and intelligent. It is time we raise our voices and demand that these qualities be recognized.

We will not be silent any longer!

So where do we go from here? We begin to re-define ourselves, re-brand ourselves, and set a new standard with the average and above-average women in mind.

I founded Voluptuous Diva Inc. to become a “Revolutionary” and launch an uprising determined to give a new voice back to the majority. And provide more new faces of beauty show-casing today’s modern woman.

In the coming months this newsletter and blogs will empower 80 million women (the 68% who are considered plus size). The inspiring articles will accentuate the multiplicity of who we are.

  • Get ready for interviews with exceptional voluptuous women who impact powerful change in our society.
  • Find useful tips designed to help you positively define your life and take life to the next level.
  • Discover the most fabulous vintage-inspired plus-size customized fashions you have ever seen.

Come Join the Revolution and Re-define Yourself!

 

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