Relationships and the Plus Size Woman
Inside the Mind and Heart of a Man (Part 5):
Men are Visual
This series of articles is designed to educate women on the inner workings of men. The information is from the book authored by Shuanti Feldham, which emphasizes the importance of seven revelations involving the mindset of men. To date, we have discussed four revelations. The first revelation was that men need to be respected more than they need to be loved. The second revelation was that men are insecure. Despite a man’s “in-control” exterior, men often feel like impostors. The third revelation is that men have a driving need to be providers, which validates their love for their families and justifies their abilities to succeed as men. The fourth revelation was that men want more sex. Having sex is a method of displaying love and acceptance by his wife, and fills a deep emotional void within.
Revelation 5: “Men are Visual”
Often we as women ask ourselves this question, “Why is it so natural for him to look, and so hard to forget what he has seen?” I truly believe this revelation is probably one of this most important out all the seven. Grasping this information will drastically help you understand the mind of a man. I can truly say I have a renewed respect for men, and more consciousness of how I conduct myself and dress in their presence.
Even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and recollected images of other women.
Upon reading this revelation there are two factors that come to light. First, a woman with a great body is extremely difficult to avoid gazing or fixating attention for men. Even if he manages not to look, he is aware of her presence. Second, men have a mental “Rolodex” of stored pictures in their heads that can invade their thoughts without notice or can be summoned at will. Women need to understand that this condition is a hard wired compulsion, and has very little to do with we as women not being who they want or love.
1. A man can’t help but look: When surveyed, 98% of men, whether single or happily married, admitted they could not help but look or be aware of an attractive women’s body. Men are drawn to look even when they make an effort to avoid looking. It is not personal. He is not flirting. He has no interest in getting to know the woman. It is an internal drive that is automatic.
2. A man has a mental Rolodex of sensual images: Unfortunately, today’s sexually charged society does not make this fact any easier. When surveyed, 87% of men admitted to having a mental database of images or pictures stored in their brains. These pictures or images are not all about sexual acts or of their wives, but from any type of intimate moment, a Playboy magazine hottie, a Victoria’s Secret model, the Fruit of the Loom women on the underwear commercial, etc. These images can come across without notice, retrieved at will, or triggered by something he sees.
Men admit that sensual images or thoughts bombard them all the time. Men explained it like this, as teenagers they routinely dealt with involuntary images every few hours, and could spend as much as a half hour focused on a given image. This process can be the same for a man in his twenties. Once he reaches his thirties and forties, he is a little more settled but the images are still triggered and can be difficult to discard.
We have to remember this information in a non-judgmental manner. Just because a man is tempted with these images does not mean he is sinning. Temptations are not sins (The bible states that “Jesus was tempted in every way”). It is what men do with those images that becomes the real issue. Women need to note that these thoughts arise automatically, and most times are unintentional and involuntary. A man’s brain automatically notices nice features on a woman without even realizing.
It is also automatic that when these images come to mind, they can be accompanied with a rush of sexual pleasure. It is up to the man to suppress the urge to act on these thoughts, or linger on them when they arise. Men do have control over whether or not they dwell on the images that arise in their minds. This takes great strength on the part of our man. As women, we must understand and support them as they struggle with this issue, by not being defensive and not taking this struggle as a personal indictment to our relationship.
Be reassured ladies that his temptation is not primarily about sex. Know that every man is different and it is not because of us or that something is wrong with us that he has this issue. Also know, that his struggle with this issue does not change his feelings for us.
So what are we as Women to Do?
Pray for him, and for the both of you as a couple. Check our hearts, be willing to support him with empathy, and determine how involved we want to become in his accountability process. I truly believe men need to be accountable to other men regarding this issue, as it can be difficult for some women to handle. We need to be a support to them, let them know we understand their issue, and that we are open to communicating about it if they need to talk. We must be open and non-judgmental so that we do not hurt their self-esteem. Lastly, we as women must become aware of how we present ourselves to our men, thereby ensuring we are not contributing unknowingly to this issue.
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