Relationships and the Plus Size Woman
Inside the Mind and Heart of a Man (Part 3):
Men are Providers
We continue to learn from author Shuanti Feldham, the importance of seven revelations involving the mindset of men. The first revelation was that men need to be respected more than they need to be loved. The second revelation was that men are insecure. Despite a man’s “in-control” exterior, men often feel like impostors. These feelings of insecurity and the belief that their inadequacies will be discovered often leave them discredited and vulnerable to the world.
Revelation 3 “Men are Providers”
“Even if we as women make enough income to support
our family’s lifestyle, it would make no difference to the mental
burden our husband or man feels to provide for those he loves.”
One of the greatest mental burdens that men face is the internal need to provide for their family. What we as women need to understand is that our ability to contribute to the financial needs of the household is not the issue. Most men, when surveyed, appreciated the fact that their wives contribute financially, but state it is not relevant to their need to be a provider. For most men, the drive to provide is so deeply rooted almost nothing can relieve their feeling of duty. It is an obsession much like a women’s obsession about body insecurity (“I wish I was thinner!”)
Providing is at the core of a man’s identity
1. A man feels this driving need all the time – The need to provide, for most men, is constant and never goes away. When surveyed, 71% of men said the need to provide is always or often on their minds.
2. Being a provider is at the core of a man’s identity – Men have an instinctive nature to provide, feel powerful when they are providing, and desire deeply to feel depended on by the recipients of what they provide.
3. Providing is a primary way to say “I love you.” – For a man, bringing home a paycheck is pure love talk. This act reinforces his need to prove that he can take care of you, and allows him to show he is worthy of his woman. In his mind it is the central way he expresses his love. Men worry about providing so that the woman does not have this concern.
This is why men work such long hours. In a man’s mind, working long hours equates to saying I love you. When we as woman complain, men find this confusing and distressing. Why, because most men work as much as they do because it is their way of sacrificing for their wives and family out of love.
Most men combine the desire to provide with a strong internal desire to succeed in the workplace. However, where men can come up short is failing to provide a balance between work and maintaining a strong home relationship.
4. Providing carries an ongoing risk of failure – The area of providing is where most men experience the ongoing risk of failure. The Apostle Paul wrote that a man who doesn’t provide for his family is worse than an infidel. This statement is believed by many men as an accurate internal reflection of the angst a man feels when he is unable to provide for those he loves.
Among the men surveyed, 61% felt unappreciated at work, constantly worried about being laid off, business declines, and failing at work, which would inhibit their ability to provide. They equated this failure to the pain of skin being flayed off their bodies. We as women need to be sensitive to the fact that any time a man’s family has to adjust their lifestyle to the point where the needs of the family suffers, then a man suffers emotional torture inside.
5. Providers can feel trapped – Men constantly war with the internal need to provide, be depended on, and the feelings of being trapped by that responsibility. What frustrates men is when we as women don’t understand that they believe working long hours is their only option for getting ahead. This is especially true when men feel we place them under pressure to provide for us materially, and when we complain. When surveyed, 82% of men admitted that if they did not work hard they would be letting their families and organizations down, and also added they hated being away from their families as much but felt they had no other option.
6. Providing means earning enough for both present and future – Men focus on providing not only for the present but also for the future. So men stress about not only being able to pay for college for the kids, but also for retirement. When many men reach the age of retirement, they feel emotionally inadequate once the career part of their life disappears because a large part of their identity is wrapped up in their ability to provide and their careers. Therefore, in retirement years many men struggle with receiving pensions and retirement without going to work, and will find themselves struggling with depression in their golden years. Older women take special note to that information.
So How Do We as Women Need to Respond
We as women must face the fact that our mates feel caught, with few options, feeling “he has to be the provider”. When we understand this issue, we must strive to no longer view many of our husband’s decisions concerning his job and career as weak or non-productive, but recognize he is doing what is necessary to meet the financial needs of his family.
We as women should understand this even though we may not always agree. As partners, we should be willing to help relieve the pressure by not complaining, make financial adjustments in our own spending habits, believe in our man, and offer to work with him to address the financial issues in the home. Women need to realize the seriousness of the financial situation and be willing to adjust spending accordingly.
Remember women, a man will internalize your disappointment as his personal failure to provide. Encourage and appreciate him regularly for providing, and offer to help relieve the pressure they feel instead of adding to the matter. In doing so, our men will feel a sense of self worth and work hard to provide the best life possible for his family.
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