Dating and the Plus Size Woman
Inside the Mind and Heart of the Man Part 2 – Men are Insecure
Voluptuous Diva is an inspirational motivational speaker, blogger and radio personality, fashion designer and merchandiser. My goal is to inspire plus size women to feel empowered sexy and valued.
I am so excited to continue with the relationship series for plus size woman called “Inside the Mind and Heart of a Man.”
As in the first article we learned from the author Shuanti Feldham the importance of seven revelations involving the mindset of men and in order to give me what they need we must learn them. The first one is men need to be respected more than they need to be loved. I never realized how important respect was to men until I read this chapter. This revelation is very detailed from not telling them what to do, not treating them as children, trusting their judgment, watching how we talk to them, not criticizing them in front of others and not criticizing them behind their backs. When we show unconditional respect to the men we love we empower them to take on the world and ensure they will meet our needs as well.
Revelation No. 2 “Men are Insecure”
I never knew that Mr. Smooth looks so impressive on the outside but feels like an impostor on the inside. Despite their in control exterior men often feel like impostors and are insecure that their inadequacies will be discovered.
Men have a hidden secret that is hard for them to admit to anyone and that is they each have a deep inner uncertainty which renders even the most confident of men helpless and vulnerable. When surveyed men admitted that no matter the level of success that the majority of men feel some degree of insecurity about themselves and abilities and the opinions of others matter. Men are vulnerable internally especially when they don’t have clear direction in what they are doing and often believe on the verge of being exposed. The very idea of someone especially his woman thinking he can’t cut it is the ultimate humiliation and it is one they strive to avoid at all cost.
There are several factors that drive this internal force within the man we love:
1. Men feel they are always being judged-Men feel the pressure of the world on the shoulders all the time. Men surveyed admitted that they think about what others think of them all the time. Men of color are especially affected by this mindset in that our society as a whole places extra stereotypes and double standards on men of color. Our media has done a very good job of showing a black either slam dunken his way out of poverty, shooting each other down in cold blood in the hood, strung out on drugs or being led away in handcuffs off to prison. It is understandable that men of color feel tremendous pressure about being judged by society and the communities in which they live.
2. Men feel they have no earthly idea how to do something- There is a deep seated vulnerability in every man that when doing something new and unfamiliar that he will fail and look incompetent. Even though he may appear confident and knowledgeable on the outside inside he is scared and often afraid that this inner secret will expose him and he will appear as a failure in front of his peers and family. This fear was not only in young emerging professionals but seasoned establish professionals as well.
3. Men really want to do challenged to do something new-Coupled with the vulnerability of being found incapable is the driving desire to want to accomplish and take on something new and adventurous. At first I thought this rather strange but I have come to understand that men are conquerors so the challenge of the unknown mixed with the excitement of potential failure is a driving force behind all men. It is during these times that men feel the most vulnerable and need our encouragement the most.
4. Men feel like impostors in the workplace-a man’s greatest battle with inadequacy takes place on his job. Today’s workplace is a stressful competitive environment for both men and women. So it is not unreasonable to understand that the vulnerability of inadequacy would move over into the workplace as well.
5. Men are constantly fearful of being replaced-Men live with a never ending internal fear that because they are not good enough they will fail and be replaced. It is this same fear that drives them to get out of bed in the morning.
6. Men feel like impostors in their own homes-Men feel just as insecure at home as well as in the workplace. Men truly desire to be good husbands but worry that don’t know how to succeed at doing so. Men judge themselves and feel the women in their lives judge them based on the happiness and respect they receive from them. No man feels he has all the answers on being a good husband or father. We as women need to be especially sensitive to this need in the men in our lives. We need to realize every time we express displeasure with their decisions we are reinforcing this inner issue.
So what do we as women do?
Affirmation is everything-flattery is everything and is one of the most affective ways to affirm a man. When we affirm the man we love we empower him to conquer the world. Men deliberately seek out places to be affirmed. When affirmation is absent a man feels void of confidence and often his feelings of manhood. At home is the most important place for a man to be affirmed. When men know the women in their lives believe in them, they can conquer the world.
Don’t tear him down- Women need to be careful and not reinforce her man’s feelings of inadequacy because it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When surveyed 44% of men felt unappreciated at home. This percentage was especially high among men between the ages of thirty-six and fifty-five.
Please know ladies, if he is not getting affirmation at home he will seek it elsewhere. So we must convince the men in our lives that they are the greatest. The lack of affirmation in a man’s life is a major reason men slip into pornography because looking at that picture makes him feel like a man and provides a false sense of escape. Therefore women I cannot admonish you enough to create a loving affirming home for the men you love.
Women need to create an atmosphere at home that allows men to make mistakes in peace and not have to worry about being exposed. We do this by not being critical and watching our words and mannerisms ensuring we are affirming and respectful. Men need a retreat from the daily pressure of always having to perform.
Support him sexually-Sex plays a huge role in a man’s self confidence. A wife’s who desires her husband physically and affirms him in bed empowers him to take on the world. A great sex life gives a man strength to overcome the inner feelings of the impostor that he battles.
In summary, men want us to know that they need us to want them despite their weaknesses, failings, and short-comings. They desire us to be their number one source of encouragement to become the man God created them to be. It’s about sending the man we love into the world every day alive with the belief that he can conquer the world. We do this by building his self confidence to do the impossible.
Voluptuous Diva Diaries is a newsletter sponsored by Voluptuous Diva, Inc. We are an online social network, fashion design, and merchandising community dedicated to the majority of American women. Voluptuous Diva, Inc. was created so that my fellow Divas can feel empowered, sexy, and inspired. Minister Joan White is the founder of Voluptuous Diva, Inc. and resides in Winston-Salem, NC
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