Voluptuous Diva Diaries
I have been praying and preparing myself for marriage over the last two years. So much so, that over the last year I have purchased several books on the subjects of marriage, becoming the wife God requires and God’s promises for the Single Woman.
As I have continued on life’s journey I have come to realize just how little understanding I have about men and how they think. As I reflect over my life and the challenges I have faced, I had to realize that I had been damaged as result of my volatile relationship with my own father and the men I chose were a direct reflection of that.
I also realized that I am not alone in my clueless mindset about what men need and how they think. One book I am very grateful for reading is by Shaunti Feldhahn “For Women Only, What you need to know about the inner lives of men.” This book has opened my eyes to what men really think internally. I have a greater appreciation for their struggles and thought life and I am convinced having read this book I am more prepared than ever to be the wife my husband will need and can rely on.
Over the next few weeks I am going to blog excerpts from this book. I truly believe the majority of women have no clue about the inner lives of men and by gaining this understanding women will have a new appreciation and respect for the men they love and men in general.
First, a little background about the book and author. Shaunti Feldhahn conducted surveys with over hundreds men of all ages, racial groups, education, and religious backgrounds in order to gain a comprehensive understanding of the inner feelings of men. What she found were similar answers regardless of age, race, education, or religious background.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=1gL4UJu4mgo
There are eight revelations that she presents that will astonish and bless you. Over the next several blogs I am going to be discussing these seven revelations. May you be as blessed as I have.
Revelation 1.“Men need respect”
For many of us this is not new but upon reading the book I realized just how comprehensive this need is. Our respect means more to men than our affection. When surveyed men clearly stated they would rather be alone and unloved than to feel disrespected. Therefore, I have come to realize that the feelings of disrespect and unloved coincide with one another. We can show the man that God has for us our truest love by always ensuring he feels our respect.
One of the ways we can gage a man’s feelings of respect is by his anger. Just as we as women cry when we feel unloved, for men they feel anger when disrespected.
1. Men need unconditional respect from us. We’ve become a culture that has a “what’s in it for me mentality,” which means we only do things if we can get something in return. We also are a culture of conditional lovers. I will love you if I can get what I want in return. Neither of these are in line with God’s principles. We as women must realize that men need unconditional respect not just for who they are but apart from how they are. Men choose to demonstrate love to us even when they don’t feel like it, so should we as women demonstrate respect even we feel he does not deserve it. Eph 5 tells us that husbands should love their wives but wives should respect their husbands.
2. Men need for us to show and affirm our respect for them. How men feel respected and how we feel loved are quite different from one another. While we as women appreciate hearing I love you men need to hear I trust and respect you but it goes deeper than that for them.
3. Respect their judgment-men need to know we trust their knowledge and not argue with their decisions all the time. It is not uncommon for men to feel their decisions have value every where else except at home. We as women have a tendency to treat men as children. I have been guilty of it many times myself. This is a sign of great disrespect to a man, stop it at once!
4. Respect their abilities-Men thrive on the need to figure things out for themselves. This makes them feel like they can conquer something and it reaffirms them as men. For men the greatest fun is spending hours trying to figure how to put something together or finding a new route to a destination. Men want us to trust their judgment on everyday issues, have confidence in their general abilities of learning, and their ability to fix things, etc. We as women make the mistake of thinking we need to help them by making suggestions and giving instruction and in the end it is perceived as you guessed it, disrespect.
It is the little things that matter to men. We don’t realize how important this is but we must catch it so that our men don’t feel disrespected. So the next time our man drives around in circles, ask yourself is being on time more important than his respect.
A side bar to black women. Our men are especially vulnerable to this issue. It is vital to them that the feel we trust and respect them. Black men battle disrespect and a negative stigma in society all their lives. They are viewed as lazy, violent, derelicts of society. They are often considered less intelligent and of less value on the scale of men. We as black women have a duty to unconditionally respect them not only as husbands and mates but as men in general. How much better will they be if we as a society of women give them the unconditional respect they so desperately need. Think about it.
3. Don’t tell him how to do something-Giving gentle advice is one thing but that can quickly turn into instruction. Just support him in what he is doing. If he needs your opinion he will ask for it. If you feel however, it a decision that may have a negative outcome, take it to the Lord in prayer. God can touch his heart to make clear decisions and send a word that will help him understand without you having to say a word.
4. Be respectful in how we talk to them. Once again my black Sistas, we are notorious for being sharp tongue and harsh in how we speak to men. We have been sold a bill of goods that has some serious flaws. We have been raised (especially my generation forward) to be strong independent and self-reliant. While these are not bad qualities we must be careful not to cross over into being disrespectful especially in what we say to our men. It is very easy to be the supervisor at work and bring that into our homes. This is evident by what we say. We must remember that once we hit the door, the supervisor is outside and the woman who respectfully communicates to her man is inside.
We as women hold an awesome power in the way we communicate with our men. We can choose to tear them down or build them up, to encourage or demean it our choice. We as women have to become sensitive to how we say things and what issues push the men in our lives buttons. Be aware that making off the cuff remarks about them in private and to other people such as “you are not the fix type” makes him hear disrespect. We as women need to recognize that even simple reminders come across as nagging or an accusation of laziness or mistrust.
Understand the priorities of men and women are often different. Just because he doesn’t do a task when we want him to doesn’t mean he does not consider our request, often times it means there are other things he places in hirer priority.
We must ensure when we talk to him we are not attacking him. For example, asking him do you know how to do something is not a good approach. The bottom line is what he hears matters more than what we are saying.
5. Respect him in public- It is very painful to a man when a wife or his woman disrespects him in public. The male ego is the most fragile thing on the planet. We as woman make the fatal mistake of thinking this is male pride but it is the furthest thing from the truth. We are dealing with his secret inadequacies as a man. When we embarrass him in public we are not deflating his pride but making him feel inadequate and humiliated as a man. This is why teasing can be so hurtful. We hear a joke, he hears he is inadequate. When we do it in front of others he are saying to others he is inadequate as well.
Remember ladies, the only time a man’s guard is completely down is when he is with the woman he loves. So we can pierce his heart like no one else.
We must also be respectful of the men in our lives even when he is absent from us. Become more sensitive to what we say about him to others when he is not in our presence. Talking negatively about your man behind his back to others is gravely disrespectful.
6. Respect in his assumptions-One area every man has the right to feel disrespected in what we say is when we jump to negative conclusions about them. Too often we make assumptions that are completely false.
We assume he needs to be reminded because he is incapable of remembering on his own or needs nudging to get the job done. This is often further from the truth. We must realize his reasons for not doing something may be different than yours which makes it no less valid. Sometimes men have different priorities or are just not able to handle anything else right now because they are stressed to the max. Often time procrastination is a sign that he is emotionally drained, so pay attention.
We assume he chooses not to help. Often times he just doesn’t see that you need his help. Ask for help, respectfully of course.
We assume he chooses not to help. Often times he just doesn’t see that you need his help. Ask for help, respectfully of course.
We assume it’s because of him. Not everything is his fault, sometimes we have to take responsibility for our own actions. A prime example is a wife who is constantly critical of her man. Trust me this will cause him to become withdrawn emotionally to protect himself and unloving toward you.
7. Remember our actions don’t just affect him but us. Ladies we have to remember that when our man feels respected we empower him to command respect from the rest of the world. He will do better in every aspect of his life however he can do just as bad if we make him feel inadequate.
I promise if you take these words of wisdom to heart you will win every time with you man.
Voluptuous Diva Diaries is a newsletter sponsored by Voluptuous Diva, Inc.
Voluptuous Diva is an online social network, fashion design, and merchandising community
dedicated to the majority of American women.
Voluptuous Diva, Inc. was created so that my fellow Divas can
feel empowered, sexy, and inspired.
Joan White is the founder of Voluptuous Diva, Inc. and resides in Winston-Salem, NC
========>Sign-up now and receive our weekly blog via email.<========
voluptuousdivainc 
Leave a comment