Defining Moments: The Testimony

Over the years I have had several defining moments that have had a significant impact on how I view myself.  I have come to realize that we live in a world that tries to define who we are and what we do and what we shall become, whether we realize it or not. One of the greatest revelations for me was realizing that who I am, and whose I am, does not lie within the world system, but in something far greater.

You see, my self-esteem and self-worth for years were tied to things that although powerful and seemingly legitimate at the time were not the real truth of who I was. And it wasn’t until 1999 that I had a powerful, life-changing epiphany about who and whose I am.

Background: (As I write I hold back the tears) I grew up a preacher’s kid. My father was an AME Pastor and my mother a faithful Pastor’s wife. Until I was 13, I was a fairly fit kid, but hitting puberty changed all that. When you couple that with the stress of a household that was going through a turbulent divorce, what developed in my life was emotional eating and constant weight fluctuations. So began my obesity journey … the yo-yo dieting and criticism from those closest to me about my weight, and the emotional binge eating that still plagues me to this day.

Although I grew up a preacher’s kid and received Christ into my heart at age 12, it wasn’t until I was 30 that I received an epiphany that completely change my self consciousness about my body image.

Let me explain. All my life because of my size I was made to feel inadequate. I was told by loved ones well into my adult years that my life would never amount to anything great because I was fat. In my teen years I did not date as much as my friends and I was told the reason was that boys don’t like fat girls (at the time I was only a size 14-16).  From that moment, I internalized that I was un-dateable and un-loveable to a man because I was fat.

Over the next several years whenever a guy showed any interest in me, I was overly anxious and too accommodating because in my mind he had to be a rare and special individual for looking beyond my ugly outside and wanting to date me. (Thank you, Oh God, for deliverance.)

Unfortunately for me, this definition lead to decades of poor self-esteem, years of depression, very poor relationship choices, severe emotionally scaring, and in my late teenage years (17-19 years of age) being preyed upon sexually by men old enough to be my father.

Throughout my mid- and late-20s, I was at my lowest point: no car, living at home with my mom, mediocre jobs, defeated in my mind, and deeply hurting within my soul because I truly believed that I could not be loved because I was fat. I could not be successful because I was fat. I could not be married (like all my closest friends) because I was fat. I could not get a good job because I was fat.  I could not have children because I was fat. I was ugly because I was fat. God loved me but could not use me to my fullest potential because I was fat.

One of my greatest regrets was that I did not finish college and get my degree at 22.  I was so ashamed that I hid it from everyone but my mom and brother for years. But at age 30, I had the opportunity to go back to my original college and finish what I started.

One evening as I was lying in bed in the dormitory; I began to cry and feel sorry for myself. I said to God, “If You could just help me lose the weight, my life would change for the better; then I could be beautiful and have great success.”

I remember hearing God clearly say to me, “Joan, when did I ever say that about you? I have never said that about you. Where is that even in My Word? You are fearfully and wonderfully made. And if you will grasp what I am saying to you and turn to me, I will fulfill every great thing in you. My love is not based upon your size; it is unconditional because of who I am. I have called you to greatness; your size is not your definition.”

Instantly, I was set free. Instantly, I was made whole, and I began to walk with greater confidence, peace, and purpose, knowing what had held me in a prison without bars all my life could hold me no longer.  God dealt with me about forgiving those that had told me I was inadequate, joked in fun about my size, and looked down and thought less of me because I was a big girl. Their opinion was not my definition.

With that new found mindset of peace and hope, I finished my degree and six months later moved to Washington, DC.  There I landed a wonderful job, qualified to buy a house, got into graduate school, and developed into a wonderful voluptuous woman destined for Godly purpose. I lived there for four and a half years then moved back home to Winston-Salem, and together with my family, started our first company. We opened a healthcare company that provides services to adults with developmental disabilities, and it has been going strong for seven years.

I made my first million fat; I bought my first home fat; I am a well-respected business woman fat; I have been able to travel around the world fat. And I am honored to tell you one of my most important epitaphs: “Fabulous And Thick”.

I do not deny the responsibility I have to my health and weight and work daily to be a healthier me. However, I refused to allow being plus-sized to stop me from being a better me either. Never let anyone or anything define who you are or limit your potential in any way. Their opinion is not your definition and neither is your size.

To God Be the Glory; both Now and Forevermore.

Voluptuous Diva

Stay Blessed and Continue to Re-Define Yourself

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